Fun in Marriage

My wife and I have been attending a marriage workshop at our church. Our most recent class opened my mind to something I have been missing lately in my own marriage - and in the way I have been thinking about (and writing about) relationships in general lately.

One of the leaders of the group asked us to recall a "special something" or "fun thing" that we did for each other during our courtship years. I couldn't think of anything. Then, they asked for answers from each member of the class. I was last, and by the time it came to me I really couldn't think of anything. This should be easy, I thought to myself, just say something special that your wife did for you when you were dating... Nothing came. It was kind of embarrassing. Someone in class mentioned that I have a blog in which I always talk about my wife, so I should totally know about this. That helped, a little, because then I could say something quick about how my wife is always trying new recipes, etc. I'm pretty sure that I hurt my wife's feelings, and honestly, I don't blame her. After all, she was able to remember the time on April Fools day that I crate papered her front door and garage closed and unintentionally made her late to work.

The pressure of being put on the spot now gone, I have since remembered a number of fun things that my wife did for me and that we did together while courting. Like the framed picture collage she made when I graduated with my master's degree, the time we went to the rock gym and she was able to scale higher up the wall than I was, constructing and racing a pinewood derby car in a church sponsored race (our car was terrible), many water fights, lots of fun parties with other friends including a surprise birthday party she planned for me, etc. etc. etc.

I bring this up because it got me thinking about my focus in our marriage. Looking at some of the older posts about marriage on this blog, there is a consistent theme - Marriage is tough! One of these posts is literally titled "Love is not Easy". Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not backing away from my former statements, but I do want to present some additional information that can round out the picture of what marriage can be - and what I would like my marriage to be like.

The above mentioned question about "fun things", I believe, was asked to help us remember and focus on positive aspects of the marital relationship. It can be so easy to focus on the grind, the daily checkbox lists, the budgets, the carting of kids to and fro, and all of the routine aspects that come along with marriage and family life that it is seemingly impossible to find some time for fun. This is compounded in marriages that are under extreme duress due to illness, death, or other major stressors. Yes, I do believe that mourning with our partners through these difficulties and sharing these responsibilities with our spouse will demonstrate and grow our love, but the whole of marriage is not suffering.

Fun is an important part of every marriage. Smiling with each other, joking with each other (in ways your partner appreciates, of course), and playing together are also essential elements of a marital relationship. The facilitator shared this quote by James E. Faust about some potential causes of divorce. He said,

"It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage. It is an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull."

It is a reminder that there are roses out there to smell and that it is important to smell them from time to time. Look back at the time you and your spouse first met, at some of the fun things that you may have done, at some of the good times. Are there ways to recreate that? Are there new things that you and your spouse want to try out? What do you all like doing together? Smell those roses, even if it is just for a short moment or two.

The next night after the kids were in bed, my wife and I took some inventory about the direction of our marriage regarding having fun together. We decided to take some steps toward increased fun together.

We pulled out the old Monopoly game - Star Wars edition! And she didn't even complain when I won - now that is love!

How differences between spouses can strengthen a marriage

I recently got a huge influx of marital therapy clients. This has been quite exciting because working with couples was one of the reasons I decided to get involved in the field of psychology. Between brushing up on some literature and theory for working with couples and seeing about 12-13 new couples for therapy, it is safe to say that relational dynamics have been at the forefront of my mind lately.

The particular type of approach I use in marital therapy emphasizes that various differences exist between partners (some of which may have actually been attractive initially) and that these differences are in some way creating conflict, arguments, discord, etc. The therapy is basically aimed at helping the couple see how these differences (and the attempts at trying to change the other person) are creating a problematic relational pattern, and then for the partners to learn some empathy for the differences in their spouse. In short, acceptance is the goal. Yes, change is also the goal, and will often follow acceptance once committed partners realize that what they have been doing isn't getting them what they want. Of course, this is a significantly simplified version of the therapy and there are some behaviors in a marriage for which acceptance would definitely not be appropriate (abuse, etc.). For more information about the therapy, you can visit this website.

It was with all of this buzzing around in my head that a few weeks ago, my wife had an interpersonal argument with someone close to her that created quite a bit of frustration for her. Being her husband, she shared her frustration with me. When she is upset by someone else, my basic tactic has been to briefly listen to her, try to calm her down, and persuade her to take a more peacemaking route - or to just let it go.

Let me explain my reasoning for encouraging in this way: In my family of origin, I tended to play a peacemaking role and I generally do not like a whole lot of conflict. I was often trying to smooth over little fights, or cheer someone up after a conflict. So, this is my main stance toward conflict. Also, I figure, if my wife can just let the argument go, then she can avoid a great deal of future stress, frustration, and also avoid more wrath from the other party. It also allows me to continue to avoid conflict. See, a total win-win situation. Right?

Well, as it turns out... not so much.

I was taking the trash out after having just encouraged her to let the problem go and just not worry about it. And as I was carrying that bag, the thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. When it comes to perceived conflict, she will approach the conflict, whereas I will avoid it. She sticks up for herself and I try to smooth things over.

It was like a light went on in my head. My wife didn't really need or want me to appease her - she needed an ally, someone to listen to her and support her. In fact, my stance toward her had been making the situation worse because she saw me as unsupportive. I can't count how many times she has accused me of being on the "other person's side." Looking back now, through her eyes, I can see how my stance toward her has been perceived as condescending (at best) or taking the opposite side (at worst).

That night we had a chat about exactly this. We examined how our learning histories with conflict had shaped this part of our behavior. I shared how I had tried to quell conflict in my home. She shared some of her experiences which taught her that approaching conflict and sticking up for herself was protective. I couldn't really argue with that. I also learned she believed I was overlooking her feelings, when I thought I had been responding to her emotions in a way that would be most helpful and prevent further collateral damage. It was a very sweet moment in our marriage that I am extremely grateful for.

Differences within a marriage can be very frustrating. Differences can pull partners apart. But, if we let them, differences can also be a significant opportunity for empathy, compassion, and love. We can practice true love as we love our spouse not only because we "have so much in common" as many couples generally exclaim when they first meet, but also because we choose to see the world through our spouse's eyes.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon which reads "I give unto man weakness that they may be humble;...if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

Applying this scripture to relationships, it could read: "I give unto couples differences so that they can be humble - and if they humble themselves and have faith in me, then will I make these differences become a source of strength unto them."

Differences within a marriage offer us an opportunity to struggle in our love so that it deepens, so that our relationship becomes stronger.

I'm not suggesting that differences between spouses will never be annoying, difficult, or cause problems now and again (or even often), but having the ability to empathize with your spouse and to have compassion for the way he or she sees the world can be very helpful before an argument can turn into a full blown battle.

Again, I recognize that certain behaviors in a marriage cross the threshold between just being a difference and being harmful, abusive, and dangerous. In those situations (physical, sexual, and some emotional abuse, etc.) it is not useful or helpful to accept or empathize with this behavior.

One of my professors said he always seemed to be a better husband during the semester he taught the marital therapy class. I think, likewise, having my mind so focused on healing relationships has made me a better husband as well.


I would love to hear ways that any of you have been able to overlook, appreciate, or accept the differences in your partners. Please share! I'd love to learn from you!

Love is not Easy

I recently had a conversation about the movie American Sniper with some combat veterans. About half indicated they had seen the movie and thought it was good. In the midst of this conversation the notion of sacrifice and love came up. Love for country and love for those with whom he served kept bringing Mr. Kyle back to combat. The movie also depicts his struggle to connect and experience love for and from his family. The discussion went in a few directions, but eventually ended with how Mr. Kyle spent a good portion of his life after his military service helping fellow veterans and trying to rehabilitate them. It was exactly this service which led to his untimely death.

This discussion touched me deeply and I have been thinking ever since about the idea that love is not an easy experience. I say "experience" because love isn't defined by just a feeling or emotion, nor is it encapsulated by a single action. What I mean is that when we love someone or something we generally act in a way that demonstrates that love - repeatedly. It usually entails a certain degree of sacrifice, often a great deal of sacrifice.

In the midst of the conversation with these veterans, my thoughts went to my wife and children. Loving them is easy, but at the same time it really isn't. I know that sounds bad or immoral in some way, but loving them requires doing some things I would rather not do and may ask me to go through experiences that are difficult and painful. For instance, love requires getting up early in the morning to feed a crying baby, changing a pair of underwear in a public restroom after an accident, playing with Barbie dolls, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and many other tasks. As my mind's eye looks ahead, I know that trials larger than soiled underwear or dirty dishes will likely come - whether it be sickness, a child making poor choices leading to terrible consequences, suffering, conflict, or even death. Sometimes love induces grief. I often tell clients who are grieving the loss of a loved one that, just as they would never stop loving that person, their grief will likely continue to be a part of their life. In fact, that grief is a way of knowing how deeply and truly they loved that other person. When our loved one suffers, it causes us to suffer as well. There is no way to avoid pain, trial, and suffering in life and being able to share that with another - co-suffering - is a deep and beautiful expression of love.

Valentine's season is upon us and many people are celebrating their love. This is often expressed through flowers, jewelry, candy, cards, and other acts to demonstrate love and intimacy between couples. Love is generally associated with happiness, excitement, and tingly types of emotions. This is good and I would certainly not suggest that we shouldn't do these things.  Nor am I suggesting that love should always be difficult. Love can and should be fun! What I mean is that true love will test the boundaries of our ability to feel, care, and sacrifice. Along with the fun and happy times, the experience of truly loving another person completely means leaving oneself open to heartbreak, engaging in tasks that are less than desirable, and co-suffering.

Unfortunately, we have a counterpoint to this way of seeing love. In pop culture the idea of love is that it has to satisfy us and as soon as it doesn't, something is wrong. The relationship "isn't working out" or "fulfilling my needs." Being a mom or dad isn't "convenient" or "takes too much effort". The rising generation today has been termed by authors from Forbes to the NY Times as the "Selfie Generation" and I wonder whether the prominent love of self over all else has permeated society in many respects. And if so, what does that mean about our ability to overcome our own narcissism and truly love another person? Because true love requires that we strip away our natural proclivities toward narcissism. This narcissism has consumed and repackaged love in its own image. This mirage of love is often peddled in movies and on the TV, certainly in pornographic content. The focus is on the self "What can this other person do for or to me?" Instead, the question should be "what can I do for this other person?" My wife pointed out to me a few weeks ago a blog post discussing a statistical analysis from Porn Hub that found one of the most frequent comments made in pornographic websites was the word "love". Certainly this is a misnomer. I find it quite interesting that this weekend we have another movie recently released (purposefully around Valentine's Day) that will likely influence the way in which the viewers will understand love. I have only read a few snippets of the book and seen the movie trailers, but I have read enough to know that 50 Shades of Grey is basically erotic fiction about a guy who dominates a woman sexually. Sounds selfish, controlling, and narcissistic to me, none of which is love. Terming this movie a love story is a significant twisted co-opting of the term.

The best definition of true love that I can find is the description in 1 Corinthians 13. Paul uses these terms to describe love: it "suffereth long" "beareth all things" "endureth all things" "envieth not" "is not puffed up" and finally, love "never faileth." These attributes don't exactly sound easy to me - nor do they sound selfish. AND... I know that I fail on a daily basis at expressing this type of love to my wife and children and to others, but it is possible to practice and cultivate this type of love.

Toward the end of the conversation with these veterans, the thought came into my mind about Jesus Christ. The thought was this: Love was not easy for Him. He ended up nailed to a cross because of His love. How can you expect it to be easy for you if you are trying to emulate Him?

It was a humbling thought, but it makes me grateful for the One Perfect Example of love and the many imperfect examples that I have had in my life - my wife when she awakens to nurse a crying baby or spend hours planning and putting on a class Valentine's party for our daughter, my children when they play with each other and help and hug each other, my grandparents who spent years taking care of their spouses who were ill in health, active duty service members who sacrifice self and family for freedom and their country, and the veterans at the hospital when they care for each other in so many ways.

This Valentine's Day, I hope that we can enjoy the exciting, tingling, fun anticipation of being with our beloved (or just having some fun with friends). I hope we all enjoy this holiday and express love. I know that I will be trying to have a good time with my wife and children and make it special. Yet I want to be mindful of what true love has cost so many throughout history and that true love will always include sacrifice and suffering. Yet through these experiences the deepness of our love grows and becomes more powerful and beautiful.

Broken Wedding Ring

My wedding ring has been through some trauma as of late. A few weeks ago, I lost it. I came home from work, took it off, then.... it was just gone. About a week later it finally turned up. I was wrestling with the kids in the living room and saw it just laying there by my head on the floor. I was very excited to get it back, but also a bit surprised at how it had gone unnoticed in such a high traffic area. I swear, we vacuum. My wife commented that she was very glad that our ten month old didn't try to eat it and choke on it. I'm glad for that, too.

It's safe to say that I have been giving my wedding ring more thought since it was lost and subsequently found. It is quite unique, after all. My wife got me one of those tungsten rings with a cool pattern across the band. That isn't what makes it unique, though. My ring is cracked almost all the way through in one part of the band.

Here's the story: I hate flies. During dinner one day there happened to be a fly buzzing around my face. It was a colder day and my fingers were a bit more thin. I swatted at the fly with my hand, the ring flung off my finger, smacked against the tile floor, and BAM! a big chunk of it flew off.

At first, I was really upset. The ring felt uncomfortable on my finger. I tried to get it replaced or repaired. No protection plan - no help. I thought about replacing it with a new ring, but I didn't really want to get a ring other than the one my wife gave to me in the temple on our wedding day. This ring is special for that reason. I also didn't want to shell out the cash for another ring. I can be kind of tight that way. The break in my ring came up in conversation one day with a patient and he mentioned that the ring had "character." I agree.

A few weeks ago I was looking at the ring and noticed how, because of the break, the ring looks stressed, worn, and fragile - like it was one good smack away from breaking apart completely. Yet it was still intact. For some reason, I was struck with the thought that I was grateful for this break, glad that my ring had a huge tear almost all the way through. It is a reminder of what could happen if I do not take care of it.

...And then I thought about my marriage and my wife. My wife and I have been stressed, worn down, and at times the marriage has seemed somewhat fragile. We have made it through some difficult times, but are still together. I thought about how this ring is a reminder to me of what could possibly happen to my marriage if I don't take care of it, a reminder to me of my responsibility to love and care for my wife. It is a reminder also that marriages, in general, can be fragile if they are not cared for.

Now, please don't misunderstand - I'm not saying that all marriages are inherently weak, that they are one good fight away from plunging into divorce, or that couples should walk around on eggshells for fear of accidentally breaking this fragile entity known as a marriage. I also am not stating that fighting is inherently bad or that fighting will destroy a relationship. A well-known psychologist, Dr. Gottman, has made a career out of researching marriages. He has stated that even couples in very strong marriages fight and have conflict, disagreements, and differences that are seemingly unsolvable. However, the difference is that couples in strong marriages tend to offer their spouse a measure of respect during the process of the argument, fight, or disagreement. This is a gross over-generalization of his statements on this issue, as you may have guessed. If you want more info, feel free to read his books or research articles.

But what I am stating is this: marriage is a type of relationship that if not cared for will break apart. Marriage in our society is a very fragile institution. I'm not sure of the actual rate of divorce in the United States, but everyone seems to quote 50% of marriages end in divorce. Even if that figure is somewhat inflated, the stability of marriage in the US is quite tenuous. I don't really want to enumerate all of the forces at work trying to tear marriages apart, but I will simply say this - there are a lot.

Because marriage can be so fragile, it must be protected, safeguarded, and looked after. In a talk on marriage, H Burton Howard compared marriage to a set of nice silverware that his wife was particularly fond of. He stated, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently" just like his wife treated the silverware set differently than any of their other possessions. In doing some reflection, I realized anew the importance of caring for my wife, listening to her, being interested in the things that are important to her, respecting her, sharing her hopes, fears, dreams, etc. When we ignore the needs and desires of our spouse, when we take our spouse for granted, and certainly if we abuse or mistreat our spouse, we are doing damage that could possibly be irreparable.

On the day my wife gave me this ring, it was seemingly perfect, whole, and symbolized the eternal nature of the bond we were creating that day. Now, when I see my ring, I am reminded that a marriage (mine included) is fragile and that because it is breakable I must treat her with more care, must safeguard her, and be there for her. It is still a symbol of that eternal bond, but with an added realization that I must treat her differently.

...and it also reminds me to use a fly swatter.

Lessons from my Wife Working (Outside the Home)

A few months back, my wife decided she wanted to work outside the home. It was a tough decision that she and I came to for a multitude of reasons. Some of these were financial - to help our family pay down debt. Some were emotional and interpersonal - she shared with me that she was struggling with postpartum depression and thought that getting out of the house and having some face time with people who were not children or mommies might do her some good. It was very important to me that I be supportive of her as she struggled to make this choice. She finally indicated that she felt good about starting to work. She put in an application at a local department store and was hired almost immediately.

I was excited for her! She would be able to make some more money, she would be able to get a break from the kids, she would make more friends. I thought these would enrich her life. Also, if this helped with some of the depression, then she would likely be more engaged with the children when she was at home with them. 

I was also excited for me, too. I would get to demonstrate to my wife how awesome I was at childrearing. I would get to do what I wanted with the kids in the evenings and not worry about following her instructions. And yeah, I'll admit it, there was a part of me that thought I could do it better than she did.

As an added bonus, her work was flexible with our schedule. I would be able to go to work during the day and then we would switch cars at the parking lot for my wife's job. It was a perfect scenario. No day care or babysitters. Sweet! Everything was set and perfect.

The first night went off like a charm. I had the kids fed, worn out from playing, in bed, and all went according to plan. I was pretty proud of myself. I probably looked fairly smug, because my wife sat me down on the couch and said, "Honey, don't expect every night to be this easy. It won't always go perfectly."

HOW RIGHT SHE WAS!!!!!!!

There are numerous lessons that I have learned (or are in the process of learning) from this experience of my wife being in the corporate workforce.

1. My wife's job as a mother is HARD!

Some days I'm awesome at it. It all seems to go so smoothly. I can get dinner on while intermittently holding a baby, check over homework, have a dance party to some pop radio station on Pandora, get the kids all worn out, have bath time, get the middle child in bed, then put the baby down, read my oldest daugher a chapter from a Harry Potter book and done. I'm on the couch chilling out by 8:00 (or more likely doing dishes or cleaning the house).
 
But most of the time not so much - like the time I lost my middle child in the mall while trying to feed the baby when we were at the play place. Yeah, that was terrifying. Luckily some concerned mother took him to customer service. Or the times when I have the baby asleep and am picking up the book to start reading to my daughter and he wakes up and starts to cry again. Or the middle child gets out of bed for what seems like the millionth time. Or the many times when my patience is exremely thin, my energy is low and it is all I can do to just get some food on the table (frozen pizza anyone?), turn on a movie for the kids, or send them out to the backyard (if only they would stay out there for more time).

I kid you not, I actually started to have anxiety reactions upon driving from my work to my wife's work to pick up the kids - my stomach would get tight, my shoulders would ache, my knees would start to hurt some. I had to remind myself to take deep breaths and say affirming statements. I was doing psychotherapy on myself. At least I have faith in my own craft, right?

There have been times when I have completely lost my patience, my temper, and I'm sure my son and daughter know some unsavory words thanks to me. I had a few moments, one in particular, where I thought I was completely losing my mind.

I said above that my wife was right about each night not being easy. That's an understatement. Taking care of three kids in the evenings and on the weekends that my wife is at work is a monumental task for me and it has been extremely difficult. It has opened my eyes to the task that my wife faces each day when I am at work. The times when I would come home from work and she would say, "I need to escape for a while" make complete sense now.

2. Practice and experience improve performance

Yes, it has been difficult. Yes, I have lost it on more than one occasion. Yes, some days I just want to check out and "go to the bathroom" (I swear, my kids are going to grow up thinking that I have some kind of gastrointestinal problem with how long it takes me to "go potty" <wink wink>). But, over time, it has gotten easier. This isn't to say that the seams can't come unloose at any moment, but in general the trend has been onward and upward. The days do get relatively easier, the frequency of easier days has increased, and I have a better feel for what should happen, how it should happen, and when it needs to happen. A quote that has been attributed to both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Heber J. Grant seems to sum up how I feel about this:

“That which we persist in doing becomes easy to do; not because the nature of the thing has changed, but because our power to do it has increased.”

Now, I wouldn't say that it is "easy" for me - not by a longshot. But, it is getting easier. I believe that my power to raise these children has increased. Sure, I'm definitely not perfect at it, but I feel much more confident.

This looks like it was probably one of the easy days...


3. My kids love and miss their mommy

Some of you may have read the post I wrote about my wife already having a REAL job as a mother and the conversation my daughter and I had about this. My wife has told me many times that our oldest daughter always wanted her mommy to go out to work. Now that it has become a reality, the grass doesn't seem all that greener on the other side. My daughter has said to me on more than one occasion that she wants her mommy. Now, to be honest, this has mostly happened in the midst of her being disciplined for something and was likely a manipulation attempt. But, there is definitely a joy and happiness that fills my children's faces when mommy comes home on the Saturdays or Sundays she is required to work. The youngest definitely gets excited when mommy comes home at night (if he has been refusing to fall asleep) and he gets his cuddles. It has been nice to see my wife enjoying that moment upon returning home from work - the kids running to give hugs and kisses, and yelling out "mommy!!!". It is quite a re-affirming moment when you realize that (even though the kids might sometimes act like they are plotting your demise) they actually do love you. It has been nice to see how much the children love and adore their mother.

4. I have become a better husband and father

Through it all, this experience has strengthened me. Not too long ago, my wife and I found ourselves in our now former bishop's office discussing some marital and parenting issues. His advice was pretty obvious in theory, but difficult in practice. He told us that in the evenings we both had to be 100% engaged in the work of the family - taking care of kids, getting the dinner on, etc. If we were both united and working side by side, we could own the situation - especially if we had the Lord's help. I don't think I appreciated or really took this advice to heart until my wife went back to work. I had to demonstrate the ability to do it all by myself. I have come to realize what actually has to happen at night. I have shown that I can make it happen. Before, I generally followed my wife's lead and just did what she told me to do (not a bad thing, but certainly not the best). There is a scripture that basically says we shouldn't be commanded in all things, but should do good things of our own accord (D&C 58:26&27). I'm sure that my waiting for her lead in helping out at night was frustrating for my wife.

Now, when my wife has a night off and we are both at home during dinner and the nighttime routine, it is a much sweeter and easier experience for me. I can read that Harry Potter book to my daughter and know that my wife will take care of the crying baby. Or I can put both of the older children to bed so my wife can enjoy her time with the baby. Or any multiple combinations of task division. This has made life easier for my wife and I believe I am better for it.


Some final thoughts:
I hope that I am not being misinterpreted: This is not a clarion call that all mothers should work outside of the home. This post is not advocating for or against that. This happened to be my wife's choice at that time. It has been a difficult process for me, but also for my wife. She could likely write a post of her own about what working outside the home has been like for her (the good and the bad). I continue to maintain what I said in earlier posts that the work my wife does inside the home is of infinitely more value than the work I do outside the home. I continue to affirm that the role of mother is a beautiful one that enriches and blesses the lives of everyone in the family. That being said, my wife's choice was a personal one and I believe the right choice for her at that time. I guess that if this post is advocating for anything it would be the importance of supporting your spouse through decision-making processes and realizing that growth and blessings can come regardless of the choice.

That, and keeping your freezer stocked with frozen pizza - just in case.

Creative introspection: Am I a hypocrite?

This blog and some life events have inadvertently forced me to do some introspection. Someone I am working with mentioned how acts of service should be done secretly, without cameras or fanfare. He mentioned how bothered he was by people doing service and then videorecording it so others could see it because it felt disingenuous to him.

His comment was quite serendipitous because I had been trying to evaluate my own motivations for writing this blog, and truth be told I was wondering whether my true intentions were actually noble. For example:
Am I trying to create a false image of what my home is really like?
Am I trying to win favor with the online community for the sake of vanity and popularity?
Am I being a hypocrite because I may appear to be a supportive husband online, but sometimes struggle with living up to that ideal in the real world?

These and other thoughts have wandered through my mind since the inception of this blog. I remember having similar thoughts while I was in graduate school and had gotten very much into working out for about a year. I gained about 15-20 lbs of muscle and looked great. I told myself I was doing it to be healthy and to gain some weight (I've always been a super skinny guy). But, at the same time there were definitley some pride stroking reasons as well. I looked more appealing to women, people gave me more compliments about my appearance. I began to wonder if I was actually working out for me or for the way I appeared to others.

These same questions, I think, could apply to any of our actions. I'm not here to write a sermon or to tell you how you should live or think or anything. That's not my place. I simply am taking this space to discuss some of my motivations for doing this blog.
I would be a complete liar if I stated there was no self-serving aspect to this blog. There is a natural tendency for people to accentuate the positive and downplay the negative when others' judgments might be imposed. Obviously, I hope that people read the blog - why else would I write it? Yes, I would think it great if I had a huge number of followers, and that would most likely boost the self-esteem, at least in the short-term.

Now, the real question: am I a hypocrite? Am I creating a false image of myself as a supportive husband when in reality I'm not all that supportive, loving, or caring?
Hard question!!
But, it deserves an honest answer. Yes, I more than likely am a hypocrite. There have been numerous occassions during our short marriage when I have been a jerk, unsupportive, doubtful of my wife's abilities, and demeaning. On one recent occassion, my wife mentioned that she was grateful that I was writing this blog, but also wished that I would be more supportive in real life just as often. That cut pretty deep.

Does this mean that I'm engaging in character fraud? No. I am also a caring, loving, and supportive husband at times as well. My wife recently posted a link on her facebook page (and mine, too) that I found exceptional. It is entitled I Didn't Marry my Soulmate. At first I thought, 'Gee, thanks honey.' But, the article basically states that marriage is a choice which requires continually choosing and working to be happy with that person - problems and all. After reading the article, I was genuinely touched.

Knowing that on occassion I struggle to be the caring, supportive, loving husband that my wife deserves, I also realize that I need to work at being caring, supportive, and loving. Now, I could stop writing this blog because my motivations are not perfect. But, couldn't anyone stop doing anything for that reason? For example, I could choose not to wash dishes anymore because I don't like washing them and when I do wash them I secretly hope that my wife notices how clean the kitchen looks and praises me for it. Can you imagine if I told my wife I couldn't wash the dishes anymore until my motivations for washing the dishes were pure? She would likely say, "Get over it and do them anyway."

I think that a quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf sums it up best when he said,

If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Even though I may be a hypocrite, this blog is an exercise to increase my capacity for love, kindness, and support for my wife, while at the same time sharing with the world some of the amazing things my wife has done. Despite some of my human instinctual self-interested reasons for writing, I do believe that my wife is an incredible woman and that her awesomeness should be shared and praised, both online and in person. Not sharing with you or telling her that she is special because of my own personal shortcomings would not, in my opinion, be a more noble alternative.

So, honey, if you're reading, and I haven't told you already yet in person, I love you and think you're amazing!

Now If I could just get back into working out.....

Pregnancy Nesting - A mental & physical health boost

I think I have incontrovertible evidence that nesting during pregnancy not only occurs (already well known), but that it can be healthy - both physically and mentally, which has not been as amply documented.

Here's the story:
My wife and I woke up Wednesday morning pretty early because our son seems to think that 6 am is a great time for being awake and playing. We're trying to train him to sleep in until 7, but it hasn't taken yet. My wife was feeling yucky the entire day. Sick, tired, just blah. Those of you who have been pregnant will probably understand. I haven't been, so I can only imagine. Later in the day I get a text from my wife about how sick she feels and how she wishes I didn't have to be at work that day. When I got home, she was still feeling sick and tired. You're getting the picture - this was an all day affair of pregnancy-induced illness.

On Wednesdays, I teach the 11-year old scouts at church in the evening.  To make it easier on my wife, I brought our daughter to scouts - she had been wanting to go for a long time.

When we get back and get our daughter to bed, my wife is still feeling a bit tired and down. After a TV program together, my wife gets up and decides to work on her current project - refinishing a bedside table and a chest of drawers.

This 'little' project has taken up my car's side of the garage. So, I'm parking in the driveway until this project is completed. The winter is starting to settle in. Getting into a freezing car is something I figured I wouldn't have to deal with once we bought a home. I feel like I'm back in college or living in an apartment still each morning. Basically, we are BOTH motivated for this project to be complete, but probably for different reasons.

Since I just started this little blog project, I tried to sneak a picture or two of my wife hard at work with the electric sander and her surgical mask to keep the dust and varnish particles out of her lungs. Interestingly, she didn't seem as sick at that moment as she adamantly refused for me to snap a picture, claiming that she looked terrible (don't believe it!). So, I didn't get a picture of my beautiful wife working on the project - but I did get some of the results from the evening.

Yes, she does wear pink gloves. Cute, right?

 

 

 

I mentioned at the beginning that I had incontrovertible evidence that nesting was mentally and physically beneficial - that may be somewhat of an overstatement. In fact, my wife's behavior may not even be nesting since much of what I have been reading states that nesting typically occurs during the 3rd trimester, which my wife has not yet entered. It could just be that she really likes doing this - which is also true. I think it is a little of both.

Back to "science". This little experience is clearly not on par with a clinical trial for a medicine or other treatment. At best it is a retrospective n=1 design - and really not a strong one at that. But, I tell you what, after working in the garage for an hour or so, my wife looked better, seemed to be in a better mood, and appeared to feel better physically. Was this actually the same woman who was feeling so down the majority of the day and just moments earlier? That's proof enough for me and I'll take those results any day of the week.

So, I submit to you that pregnancy nesting not only yields positive results in terms of homemaking and preparations for a new baby, but it leads to happier and healthier mothers-to-be. Note of caution, pregnant women should not do heavy lifting, climb ladders, or work with harsh chemicals (especially without ventilation). Those activities would most likely not yield positive benefits. See this article or this article from the American Pregnancy Association for info that is a bit more science-based than the current blog I'm writing.

For any guys who may be reading this (or women who have men in their life - you can pass this advice along), if your wife catches the nesting itch during her pregnancy - don't fight it! And if she requires some help in terms of heavy lifting or ladder climbing, take the opportunity to look macho! You may have to sacrifice some cold mornings in a car that was parked outside all night, some loud noises from an electric sander late into the evening (it's not that loud, anyways), or a few bucks for supplies, or whatever - the sacrifice will be worth the reward. During pregnancy, which is very likely to be filled with stress, strain, and blurred family roles as you pick up more of the slack, you want your wife to be healthier and happier. It'll make your life much happier, too. I know mine is!

You can thank me later.

My wife is awesome: Apologies from a semi-obsessive husband

First, let me just say, my wife is awesome. Her awesomeness is the true inspiration behind this blog. For a short introduction, we got married a bit over 3 years ago. We have 2.5 kids – a beautiful 6 year old little girl, a rascally (but equally adorable) 2 year old boy, and a baby boy coming soon. I hope and pray the second boy is a little more toned down than the first. We'll see, I guess.

Anyways, when my wife and I got married we developed some social roles that probably tend to happen in most marriages. She became more of a spender and I became more of a saver. I'm sure that many a marriage therapist has dealt with this issue. Come to think of it, as a psychologist myself, I've dealt with this issue in some of my own clients.

It's funny what money problems will do to a marriage, and we have certainly had our share of money problems. I guess that tends to happen if you marry in graduate school, make little to nothing, and have a kid at “I do.” Some of the ways that we have tried to deal with the money problems have come in the form of  just trying to spend less, putting up the credit card (actually very effective), going to cash, reading the Dave Ramsey Money Makeover book (we only got through a chapter or two together), having a good number of fights about money, making a budget and subsequently blowing the budget, trying over to made a better budget, doing some extreme couponing (minus the hoarding), etc. Yeah, it's been a bit of a rocky ride and we are still not out of the woods. But, we have finally developed a system that works for us.

This is starting to sound like a finance blog, which it isn't, but finances are a big part of the back story. See, as the self-anointed money saver in the family I have taken it upon myself to try and save or pay down debt as much as I can. My wife, on the other hand, has made a concerted effort to not spend as much as she used to, but occassionally has some... we'll call them lapses. But, it just so happens that she has an amazing gift for doing crafts, decorating, remodeling, revamping furniture, trying awesome new recipes, etc. She is pretty much amazing at the whole homemaking thing.

In actuality, this blog is part confession on my end and part tribute to my wife by showcasing some of the fabulous things that she has created during our married life so far. Why is it a confession? Well, this goes back to the money thing. See, my wife often wants to go to Hobby Lobby or some other craft/home improvement store that carries what she needs for her latest project. I, as the semi-obsessive saver, often tell her no, or say "I don't think we have that in our budget" or something else to dissuade her from her design. It has happened that she gets the stuff anyways outside of the budget, and I have a tendency to get upset at her. This usually starts a fight. Or, it used to. We've come a long way.

I recently realized that my wife has this amazing gift. I should have figured it out earlier. When we first got married, I knew that she was an avid scrapbooker. She had a few books that she had put together already of her daughter and she was eagerly putting together a scrapbook of our wedding.

When we were setting up our first duplex as a married couple, she was the one banging nails into the walls and putting up the family photos, pictures of Jesus, the temple, and other wall décor. Stupidly, I felt like I had to hammer the nails cause I'm the man and, well, since prehistoric times we've been swinging heavy objects. So... it just made evolutionary sense to me. Turns out my wife really didn't want me to put the pictures up and she has been the one primarily doing the decorating – hammer swinging and all. I help sometimes if she lets me.

She has always wanted to try new and interesting recipes to feed the family. I was basically fine eating spaghetti or something easy and cheap each night. Most of these new recipes have turned out great. There was only one misfire. It has become something of legend in our home. My wife says that she's so lucky because I like everything she fixes, then she'll add – except that one thing. Neither of us can remember what it was. I hope we don't accidentally make it again. Here we are enjoying our first homemade Christmas dinner (2012) - actually staying at home instead of staying with parents or in-laws for the holidays.

The only thing out of the box or bag was the stuffing...

Then, about 2 years ago she decided she wanted to pick up crocheting. She asked a friend from church to teach her how. My wife had a couple craft nights with the ladies from the ward and Voila! - a masterful crocheter (is that a word?) was born.

 

Here is a blanket that she just completed:

 

This blanket for our son took her over a year to complete. During that time  we moved twice and other projects came along in the interim.

Sadly and somewhat shamefully throughout most of the 3.5 years of our marrige, I have put up a stink about her buying materials for many of her projects. We recently moved into a house and almost immediately started talking about ways she wants to paint and redecorate some of the rooms. My eyes started rolling – actually, they were seeing dollar signs go up in smoke. How much is all that going to cost? We need to pay off debt. If I had it my way, we would live in a tin can until all of our debt was paid off.

I think I started to get a hint of an idea about the depth of my wife's gift by talking to my mom. She's awesome too, by the way. I was telling her about some recipe or craft or something or other that my wife was doing and my mom says, “You really have a special one there! She is really something. She just puts her mind to something and does it. And it turns out great.”

“Yeah, mom, you're right,” I would say, genuinely, but also realizing that all of these things that she was putting her mind to were taking money out of our pockets.

But my mom's opinion stuck somewhere in my mind. I gave it some more thought. Then, I found myself bragging about my wife to my friends, and showing them pictures of some of the blankets she has made or other things she has done. I'm sure that some of my co-workers are a bit jealous because of the leftovers that I always bring for lunch. Just a couple weeks or so ago I realized that my wife is awesome at homemaking!

She has been trying to develop her talents and make a home that our children and family will cherish. As a couple, we really value the home and try to make it a place of peace, fun, comfort, and learning for our kids and for ourselves. We try to make it a refuge from the world. All this time I have been a hinderance to her goal of homemaking. I always loved the quote by Gordon B. Hinckley that he said about his wife:

 

The women in our lives are creatures endowed with particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those about them. We can encourage that outreach if we will give them opportunity to give expression to the talents and impulses that lie within them. In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, 'You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.'

The first time I heard this, I thought to myself, "Now, that's the kind of husband I want to be." Up until now, ultimate fail! So, in the spirit of turning that around, I am doing this. In addition to actually supporting my wife in her talents, I want to share with others how amazing she is.

Hence this blog.

I actually suggested to my wife a couple weeks ago that she should start a blog about all the crafts that she makes, but she pushed it off and said, “Yeah, cause I keep up with that kind of thing so well.” So, I took it upon myself to start one about her. She doesn't know yet. I started to take pictures of the things that she has made and was working on at the time.

The following posts will show things that she has done so far - foods, furniture projects, crafts, decorations, you name it. It will also be an honor sharing some of our family with you all as well.

Enjoy!