Before I go any further, I need to just say that my wife was a very tough trooper. In our family, pregnancy means life is very different for everyone. My wife gets sick, her energy stores tend to tank big time, and honestly we fight more as a couple (and I'm not just chalking that up to wacky hormone levels - but also my own tiredness and impatience at times). Toward the end of the ordeal this time around, our home was in disarray more often than not, we ate less healthy because those meals tend to be easier to fix, the kids watched way more television than we would normally allow, and luckily we were saved by two wonderful mothers who were willing to come back to back so we could push through to the end. All that just to get a baby here. Not to mention her intense labor and delivery process which she endured with grace, beauty, and honesty ("I want to punch that lady in the face!" my wife yelled at one point as she ripped out her earphone. She wanted to punch the hypnotherapist whose recorded voice she was listening to so that she could be in a more relaxed state during her labor and delivery. Perhaps the CDs weren't totally worth the money). I love her brutal honesty!
This pregnancy, however, had a serious undertone of anxiety. We found out at the second ultrasound that our son's umbilical cord was wrapped (perhaps twice) around his neck. I didn't tell my wife at the time, but I had earlier done some psychological testing with a man who had cognitive deficits which were very likely due to loss of oxygen at birth because of his cord being wrapped around his neck. I figured she didn't need to know about that. Because of the difficulty with the cord, I had some additional worries myself. During the last weeks leading up to delivery I had a few daydreams (more like day nightmares) where I would see/imagine that our son was born stillborn and we had to mourn his death at the time of his birth. Again, I didn't let my wife in on that one either until after our boy got here safely.
As you can imagine, we are both very excited to get him here - especially with no complications at birth.
I love this picture! She looks so happy!
Though we were both excited, I was slightly dismayed that I didn't have overwhelming spiritual feelings or desires to be a better human being as I did with my older son. I was hoping for that feeling and thought like I might need it because I had been wondering if I could love another child as much as I love my older two children. That overwhelming feeling didn't come at first. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved this baby boy when he was first born, but to tell you the truth, I kind of thought he looked like a chunky-faced old man and thought, "hmmm, we made that? Ok. Well, thank goodness he's healthy." Not the reaction I was hoping for, exactly.
An important feeling came the following Sunday during church. I was wrestling my two year old while attempting to listen to the testimonies being born over the pulpit. I caught a few words here and there. One of the speakers spoke about the worth of a soul. I don't remember what he or she talked about much beyond that. But, my heart was touched with love, gratitude, and some justified fear.
Often when Mormons talk about the worth of a soul, it is put in the context of the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-16 which discusses the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and how, if Christ was willing to suffer and die for each human, their souls must really be worth something. Then, the scripture goes into a missionary message about how all souls are precious and we need to share the good news of Christ's love and redeeming grace to everyone.
But, the message my heart received was different. I thought of the unlimited potential of each human being - particularly my own new little soul that was just safely delivered into my wife's and my care. We are told that the work and glory of God is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children (Moses 1:39). That sounds like an obvious statement, but thinking about the meaning of eternal life in a Mormon context means living with God and becoming like God. Now this is obviously deep doctrine and I don't want to speculate into realms that have only been lightly revealed (click here for what has), but given that context, the soul of our little bundle of joy is of infinite worth. He is learning early lessons on his way toward an eternal inheritance......and doing so in my house! Yikes! What a scary thought! No pressure, it's not like there's a whole lot riding on how you parent this little guy.
I was overwhelmed with a sense of love for our new son, realizing that waiting to develop somewhere behind that cute little face (yeah, he's cuter now) is a potential future god. I was overcome with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for having entrusted this little guy into my and my wife's care. And truthfully, as I think about it now, it's a huge responsibility to parent a child and it scares me - sometimes quite a bit. We have three now!
As it turns out, this realization of infinite worth and possibility spread toward my other children as well. They are also on their way toward eternity under my and my wife's care. So, I have found myself being a bit more patient and understanding with my older kids when they misbehave. I've been a bit slower to anger. That has been a blessing for me and my children.
My wife has been an amazing woman through this first week with a new baby (but she is always amazing). I honestly can't imagine doing this without her. She is up multiple times during the night feeding our son, she has already been peed on a number of times while changing diapers, and she seems to know just what to do when our son gets fussy. It's a treasure watching her hold him because I can see the deep love that probably only a mother can understand and express. She suffered with him for 9 months and continues to sacrifice all of herself for him each day. That is true love.
But, more than just taking care of our son's physical needs, I am grateful that my wife is available to help instill morals, values, and a sense of self-worth and responsibility in our children - things that will help them grow into the kind of people that will be able to successfully navigate the world. I'm glad we are on the same team!
As I described above, my wife and I had very emotionally taxing worries about our son making it. Now, God likely does not have neurotic anxiety regarding future outcomes, but I know that He wants each of us to make it back to Him. Your potential, my son's potential, indeed - everyone's potential is eternal. Truly the worth of each soul is great.
