How differences between spouses can strengthen a marriage

I recently got a huge influx of marital therapy clients. This has been quite exciting because working with couples was one of the reasons I decided to get involved in the field of psychology. Between brushing up on some literature and theory for working with couples and seeing about 12-13 new couples for therapy, it is safe to say that relational dynamics have been at the forefront of my mind lately.

The particular type of approach I use in marital therapy emphasizes that various differences exist between partners (some of which may have actually been attractive initially) and that these differences are in some way creating conflict, arguments, discord, etc. The therapy is basically aimed at helping the couple see how these differences (and the attempts at trying to change the other person) are creating a problematic relational pattern, and then for the partners to learn some empathy for the differences in their spouse. In short, acceptance is the goal. Yes, change is also the goal, and will often follow acceptance once committed partners realize that what they have been doing isn't getting them what they want. Of course, this is a significantly simplified version of the therapy and there are some behaviors in a marriage for which acceptance would definitely not be appropriate (abuse, etc.). For more information about the therapy, you can visit this website.

It was with all of this buzzing around in my head that a few weeks ago, my wife had an interpersonal argument with someone close to her that created quite a bit of frustration for her. Being her husband, she shared her frustration with me. When she is upset by someone else, my basic tactic has been to briefly listen to her, try to calm her down, and persuade her to take a more peacemaking route - or to just let it go.

Let me explain my reasoning for encouraging in this way: In my family of origin, I tended to play a peacemaking role and I generally do not like a whole lot of conflict. I was often trying to smooth over little fights, or cheer someone up after a conflict. So, this is my main stance toward conflict. Also, I figure, if my wife can just let the argument go, then she can avoid a great deal of future stress, frustration, and also avoid more wrath from the other party. It also allows me to continue to avoid conflict. See, a total win-win situation. Right?

Well, as it turns out... not so much.

I was taking the trash out after having just encouraged her to let the problem go and just not worry about it. And as I was carrying that bag, the thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. When it comes to perceived conflict, she will approach the conflict, whereas I will avoid it. She sticks up for herself and I try to smooth things over.

It was like a light went on in my head. My wife didn't really need or want me to appease her - she needed an ally, someone to listen to her and support her. In fact, my stance toward her had been making the situation worse because she saw me as unsupportive. I can't count how many times she has accused me of being on the "other person's side." Looking back now, through her eyes, I can see how my stance toward her has been perceived as condescending (at best) or taking the opposite side (at worst).

That night we had a chat about exactly this. We examined how our learning histories with conflict had shaped this part of our behavior. I shared how I had tried to quell conflict in my home. She shared some of her experiences which taught her that approaching conflict and sticking up for herself was protective. I couldn't really argue with that. I also learned she believed I was overlooking her feelings, when I thought I had been responding to her emotions in a way that would be most helpful and prevent further collateral damage. It was a very sweet moment in our marriage that I am extremely grateful for.

Differences within a marriage can be very frustrating. Differences can pull partners apart. But, if we let them, differences can also be a significant opportunity for empathy, compassion, and love. We can practice true love as we love our spouse not only because we "have so much in common" as many couples generally exclaim when they first meet, but also because we choose to see the world through our spouse's eyes.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon which reads "I give unto man weakness that they may be humble;...if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

Applying this scripture to relationships, it could read: "I give unto couples differences so that they can be humble - and if they humble themselves and have faith in me, then will I make these differences become a source of strength unto them."

Differences within a marriage offer us an opportunity to struggle in our love so that it deepens, so that our relationship becomes stronger.

I'm not suggesting that differences between spouses will never be annoying, difficult, or cause problems now and again (or even often), but having the ability to empathize with your spouse and to have compassion for the way he or she sees the world can be very helpful before an argument can turn into a full blown battle.

Again, I recognize that certain behaviors in a marriage cross the threshold between just being a difference and being harmful, abusive, and dangerous. In those situations (physical, sexual, and some emotional abuse, etc.) it is not useful or helpful to accept or empathize with this behavior.

One of my professors said he always seemed to be a better husband during the semester he taught the marital therapy class. I think, likewise, having my mind so focused on healing relationships has made me a better husband as well.


I would love to hear ways that any of you have been able to overlook, appreciate, or accept the differences in your partners. Please share! I'd love to learn from you!

Love is not Easy

I recently had a conversation about the movie American Sniper with some combat veterans. About half indicated they had seen the movie and thought it was good. In the midst of this conversation the notion of sacrifice and love came up. Love for country and love for those with whom he served kept bringing Mr. Kyle back to combat. The movie also depicts his struggle to connect and experience love for and from his family. The discussion went in a few directions, but eventually ended with how Mr. Kyle spent a good portion of his life after his military service helping fellow veterans and trying to rehabilitate them. It was exactly this service which led to his untimely death.

This discussion touched me deeply and I have been thinking ever since about the idea that love is not an easy experience. I say "experience" because love isn't defined by just a feeling or emotion, nor is it encapsulated by a single action. What I mean is that when we love someone or something we generally act in a way that demonstrates that love - repeatedly. It usually entails a certain degree of sacrifice, often a great deal of sacrifice.

In the midst of the conversation with these veterans, my thoughts went to my wife and children. Loving them is easy, but at the same time it really isn't. I know that sounds bad or immoral in some way, but loving them requires doing some things I would rather not do and may ask me to go through experiences that are difficult and painful. For instance, love requires getting up early in the morning to feed a crying baby, changing a pair of underwear in a public restroom after an accident, playing with Barbie dolls, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and many other tasks. As my mind's eye looks ahead, I know that trials larger than soiled underwear or dirty dishes will likely come - whether it be sickness, a child making poor choices leading to terrible consequences, suffering, conflict, or even death. Sometimes love induces grief. I often tell clients who are grieving the loss of a loved one that, just as they would never stop loving that person, their grief will likely continue to be a part of their life. In fact, that grief is a way of knowing how deeply and truly they loved that other person. When our loved one suffers, it causes us to suffer as well. There is no way to avoid pain, trial, and suffering in life and being able to share that with another - co-suffering - is a deep and beautiful expression of love.

Valentine's season is upon us and many people are celebrating their love. This is often expressed through flowers, jewelry, candy, cards, and other acts to demonstrate love and intimacy between couples. Love is generally associated with happiness, excitement, and tingly types of emotions. This is good and I would certainly not suggest that we shouldn't do these things.  Nor am I suggesting that love should always be difficult. Love can and should be fun! What I mean is that true love will test the boundaries of our ability to feel, care, and sacrifice. Along with the fun and happy times, the experience of truly loving another person completely means leaving oneself open to heartbreak, engaging in tasks that are less than desirable, and co-suffering.

Unfortunately, we have a counterpoint to this way of seeing love. In pop culture the idea of love is that it has to satisfy us and as soon as it doesn't, something is wrong. The relationship "isn't working out" or "fulfilling my needs." Being a mom or dad isn't "convenient" or "takes too much effort". The rising generation today has been termed by authors from Forbes to the NY Times as the "Selfie Generation" and I wonder whether the prominent love of self over all else has permeated society in many respects. And if so, what does that mean about our ability to overcome our own narcissism and truly love another person? Because true love requires that we strip away our natural proclivities toward narcissism. This narcissism has consumed and repackaged love in its own image. This mirage of love is often peddled in movies and on the TV, certainly in pornographic content. The focus is on the self "What can this other person do for or to me?" Instead, the question should be "what can I do for this other person?" My wife pointed out to me a few weeks ago a blog post discussing a statistical analysis from Porn Hub that found one of the most frequent comments made in pornographic websites was the word "love". Certainly this is a misnomer. I find it quite interesting that this weekend we have another movie recently released (purposefully around Valentine's Day) that will likely influence the way in which the viewers will understand love. I have only read a few snippets of the book and seen the movie trailers, but I have read enough to know that 50 Shades of Grey is basically erotic fiction about a guy who dominates a woman sexually. Sounds selfish, controlling, and narcissistic to me, none of which is love. Terming this movie a love story is a significant twisted co-opting of the term.

The best definition of true love that I can find is the description in 1 Corinthians 13. Paul uses these terms to describe love: it "suffereth long" "beareth all things" "endureth all things" "envieth not" "is not puffed up" and finally, love "never faileth." These attributes don't exactly sound easy to me - nor do they sound selfish. AND... I know that I fail on a daily basis at expressing this type of love to my wife and children and to others, but it is possible to practice and cultivate this type of love.

Toward the end of the conversation with these veterans, the thought came into my mind about Jesus Christ. The thought was this: Love was not easy for Him. He ended up nailed to a cross because of His love. How can you expect it to be easy for you if you are trying to emulate Him?

It was a humbling thought, but it makes me grateful for the One Perfect Example of love and the many imperfect examples that I have had in my life - my wife when she awakens to nurse a crying baby or spend hours planning and putting on a class Valentine's party for our daughter, my children when they play with each other and help and hug each other, my grandparents who spent years taking care of their spouses who were ill in health, active duty service members who sacrifice self and family for freedom and their country, and the veterans at the hospital when they care for each other in so many ways.

This Valentine's Day, I hope that we can enjoy the exciting, tingling, fun anticipation of being with our beloved (or just having some fun with friends). I hope we all enjoy this holiday and express love. I know that I will be trying to have a good time with my wife and children and make it special. Yet I want to be mindful of what true love has cost so many throughout history and that true love will always include sacrifice and suffering. Yet through these experiences the deepness of our love grows and becomes more powerful and beautiful.