Gratitude vs Guilt: What I learned about privilege from a birthday party

This weekend was my youngest child's first birthday. It is really hard to believe that it was a year ago that he was born. Time flies! We had a small party with family who came from out of town. It was great to see them and to see cousins play together so well.

Most one-year-olds generally don't know what is happening during their birthday, but when we sang to him, he was all smiles and his cute little personality shone through. He was also basically able to open his presents, with the help of my wife and his two older sibling, of course.

I enjoyed watching him open his presents. Gaining enjoyment out of watching presents being opened is something I struggle with on occasion. That might sound weird, and perhaps cruel, but hear me out. Usually, the parties I have attended for kids' birthdays (mine included) remind me in a powerful way that we live in a context that many on this earth can hardly understand or comprehend. I am reminded that there are kids starving all over the world - and in America, too - and here is a kid who is able to open a few hundred dollars worth of presents (or more). The disparity of it has really bothered me, but I don't often talk about it because I don't want to put people out during a party (talk about a downer!)

Before we continue, let me say clearly that this is not going to be a post about politics or redistribution of wealth. I certainly will not engage in a discussion about what people should do with their money, their possessions, or what is appropriate gift giving. All of that is not my place. But, (spoiler alert!) this is going to be a post about my feelings regarding inequality and privilege.

The fist time I really became aware of inequality was in college. I read an article by Dr. Richard Johnson from BYU about income inequality. Suddenly, I saw inequality everywhere. It was disconcerting to me. I wanted to do something about it. I secretly engaged in shaming the rich for not doing their part, never realizing that I probably wasn't doing mine either (funny how judgment works that way!). When I finally shared my thoughts with my mother, she had these words for me, "You need to be careful because you don't know how much people give. You never know how much people are giving in secret." Thank goodness for the wise words of my loving mother.

I again became extremely aware of the differences in living conditions between the middle class in America and the living conditions in other areas of the world when I lived for 2 years in Far East Russia as a missionary. The poverty was, at first, quite eye-opening. I remember eventually becoming fairly content with the living conditions there, but extremely uncomfortable upon returning home to the United States where I had so much. I remember my mother wanted to buy me a new suit and I adamantly refused for quite some time.

I became aware of another aspect of privilege in graduate school while participating in a diversity discussion group which was hosted by a member of the counseling psychology faculty. One of the topics that popped up from time to time concerned white privilege. To be honest, this topic bothered me after a while because I felt like I was being blamed for my whiteness - especially being a white male. Of course, this was not the object of these discussions and was likely my own limitations in understanding the issue. The discussions often challenged my notions about other people, cultures, ways of life, and socioeconomic differences - which was the real reason for the group. I think my continued struggle with white privilege is a necessary step on my way to increased knowledge and wisdom.

Since these experiences, I have continued to notice inequality and suffering. For example, as a psychologist at a VA, I have heard stories from combat veterans about the devastating effects of war - particularly on children. These stories can be hard to swallow. As a follower of Christ, I ascribe to the parable of the Good Samaritan and am often bothered by my lack of ability (or effort?) to quell the suffering of those around me. Certainly, given the above, one can see how guilt can become an overwhelming emotion.

Back to my son's birthday party. I certainly noticed the reasons for my usual feelings of guilt - that there are so many suffering while we are celebrating and it just doesn't seem fair. But, I didn't feel the pangs of guilt that I typically do. First, we didn't go overboard and the party was small, so the opportunity for my son to be overwhelmed by gifts was not a problem and likely dispelled any feelings of guilt that may have been there otherwise. Second, I had a significant change of perspective. I was able to see that my son is extremely blessed to have a group of caring people surrounding him who love him and want to express that love with tokens of affection.

True, I wish that every child in the world had the opportunities that my son has, but instead of feeling guilty about the suffering in the world, I was able to see and appreciate the blessings that I and my family have.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't mean this as a get-out-of-helping-others free card. I'm not trying to use this as a way of phrasing inequality and privilege to get off the hook for helping others, being a source for good in the world, and doing what I can to alleviate the suffering that is within my power. What I do mean is that its okay to feel grateful for blessings, love, and gifts bestowed by others.

In fact, gratitude is much more likely to produce positive action. It is a much more powerful motivator for good than guilt could ever be. Guilt provokes its recipient to short-term neurosis-based action that is likely insincere and/or covering a measure of anger or resentment. Gratitude can motivate one toward sharing abundant love with others. Bonnie D. Parkin said,

"(A) grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord."

I know that my understanding and actions regarding inequality and privilege is evolving and developing. I certainly do not know everything. I recognize that I will likely continue to experience difficulty in achieving a balance between living in a context of privilege while also following the divine injunction to love my neighbor.

But in this moment, I hope that we can all be grateful for the blessings that we have been given (whether great or small) and then let that gratitude move us to share our blessings with others.

I am definitely grateful for this little man!

If any of you have insights to share about living with (or without) privilege, or want to express what you are grateful for, please do so! I would love to learn from you.