Lessons from my Wife Working (Outside the Home)

A few months back, my wife decided she wanted to work outside the home. It was a tough decision that she and I came to for a multitude of reasons. Some of these were financial - to help our family pay down debt. Some were emotional and interpersonal - she shared with me that she was struggling with postpartum depression and thought that getting out of the house and having some face time with people who were not children or mommies might do her some good. It was very important to me that I be supportive of her as she struggled to make this choice. She finally indicated that she felt good about starting to work. She put in an application at a local department store and was hired almost immediately.

I was excited for her! She would be able to make some more money, she would be able to get a break from the kids, she would make more friends. I thought these would enrich her life. Also, if this helped with some of the depression, then she would likely be more engaged with the children when she was at home with them. 

I was also excited for me, too. I would get to demonstrate to my wife how awesome I was at childrearing. I would get to do what I wanted with the kids in the evenings and not worry about following her instructions. And yeah, I'll admit it, there was a part of me that thought I could do it better than she did.

As an added bonus, her work was flexible with our schedule. I would be able to go to work during the day and then we would switch cars at the parking lot for my wife's job. It was a perfect scenario. No day care or babysitters. Sweet! Everything was set and perfect.

The first night went off like a charm. I had the kids fed, worn out from playing, in bed, and all went according to plan. I was pretty proud of myself. I probably looked fairly smug, because my wife sat me down on the couch and said, "Honey, don't expect every night to be this easy. It won't always go perfectly."

HOW RIGHT SHE WAS!!!!!!!

There are numerous lessons that I have learned (or are in the process of learning) from this experience of my wife being in the corporate workforce.

1. My wife's job as a mother is HARD!

Some days I'm awesome at it. It all seems to go so smoothly. I can get dinner on while intermittently holding a baby, check over homework, have a dance party to some pop radio station on Pandora, get the kids all worn out, have bath time, get the middle child in bed, then put the baby down, read my oldest daugher a chapter from a Harry Potter book and done. I'm on the couch chilling out by 8:00 (or more likely doing dishes or cleaning the house).
 
But most of the time not so much - like the time I lost my middle child in the mall while trying to feed the baby when we were at the play place. Yeah, that was terrifying. Luckily some concerned mother took him to customer service. Or the times when I have the baby asleep and am picking up the book to start reading to my daughter and he wakes up and starts to cry again. Or the middle child gets out of bed for what seems like the millionth time. Or the many times when my patience is exremely thin, my energy is low and it is all I can do to just get some food on the table (frozen pizza anyone?), turn on a movie for the kids, or send them out to the backyard (if only they would stay out there for more time).

I kid you not, I actually started to have anxiety reactions upon driving from my work to my wife's work to pick up the kids - my stomach would get tight, my shoulders would ache, my knees would start to hurt some. I had to remind myself to take deep breaths and say affirming statements. I was doing psychotherapy on myself. At least I have faith in my own craft, right?

There have been times when I have completely lost my patience, my temper, and I'm sure my son and daughter know some unsavory words thanks to me. I had a few moments, one in particular, where I thought I was completely losing my mind.

I said above that my wife was right about each night not being easy. That's an understatement. Taking care of three kids in the evenings and on the weekends that my wife is at work is a monumental task for me and it has been extremely difficult. It has opened my eyes to the task that my wife faces each day when I am at work. The times when I would come home from work and she would say, "I need to escape for a while" make complete sense now.

2. Practice and experience improve performance

Yes, it has been difficult. Yes, I have lost it on more than one occasion. Yes, some days I just want to check out and "go to the bathroom" (I swear, my kids are going to grow up thinking that I have some kind of gastrointestinal problem with how long it takes me to "go potty" <wink wink>). But, over time, it has gotten easier. This isn't to say that the seams can't come unloose at any moment, but in general the trend has been onward and upward. The days do get relatively easier, the frequency of easier days has increased, and I have a better feel for what should happen, how it should happen, and when it needs to happen. A quote that has been attributed to both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Heber J. Grant seems to sum up how I feel about this:

“That which we persist in doing becomes easy to do; not because the nature of the thing has changed, but because our power to do it has increased.”

Now, I wouldn't say that it is "easy" for me - not by a longshot. But, it is getting easier. I believe that my power to raise these children has increased. Sure, I'm definitely not perfect at it, but I feel much more confident.

This looks like it was probably one of the easy days...


3. My kids love and miss their mommy

Some of you may have read the post I wrote about my wife already having a REAL job as a mother and the conversation my daughter and I had about this. My wife has told me many times that our oldest daughter always wanted her mommy to go out to work. Now that it has become a reality, the grass doesn't seem all that greener on the other side. My daughter has said to me on more than one occasion that she wants her mommy. Now, to be honest, this has mostly happened in the midst of her being disciplined for something and was likely a manipulation attempt. But, there is definitely a joy and happiness that fills my children's faces when mommy comes home on the Saturdays or Sundays she is required to work. The youngest definitely gets excited when mommy comes home at night (if he has been refusing to fall asleep) and he gets his cuddles. It has been nice to see my wife enjoying that moment upon returning home from work - the kids running to give hugs and kisses, and yelling out "mommy!!!". It is quite a re-affirming moment when you realize that (even though the kids might sometimes act like they are plotting your demise) they actually do love you. It has been nice to see how much the children love and adore their mother.

4. I have become a better husband and father

Through it all, this experience has strengthened me. Not too long ago, my wife and I found ourselves in our now former bishop's office discussing some marital and parenting issues. His advice was pretty obvious in theory, but difficult in practice. He told us that in the evenings we both had to be 100% engaged in the work of the family - taking care of kids, getting the dinner on, etc. If we were both united and working side by side, we could own the situation - especially if we had the Lord's help. I don't think I appreciated or really took this advice to heart until my wife went back to work. I had to demonstrate the ability to do it all by myself. I have come to realize what actually has to happen at night. I have shown that I can make it happen. Before, I generally followed my wife's lead and just did what she told me to do (not a bad thing, but certainly not the best). There is a scripture that basically says we shouldn't be commanded in all things, but should do good things of our own accord (D&C 58:26&27). I'm sure that my waiting for her lead in helping out at night was frustrating for my wife.

Now, when my wife has a night off and we are both at home during dinner and the nighttime routine, it is a much sweeter and easier experience for me. I can read that Harry Potter book to my daughter and know that my wife will take care of the crying baby. Or I can put both of the older children to bed so my wife can enjoy her time with the baby. Or any multiple combinations of task division. This has made life easier for my wife and I believe I am better for it.


Some final thoughts:
I hope that I am not being misinterpreted: This is not a clarion call that all mothers should work outside of the home. This post is not advocating for or against that. This happened to be my wife's choice at that time. It has been a difficult process for me, but also for my wife. She could likely write a post of her own about what working outside the home has been like for her (the good and the bad). I continue to maintain what I said in earlier posts that the work my wife does inside the home is of infinitely more value than the work I do outside the home. I continue to affirm that the role of mother is a beautiful one that enriches and blesses the lives of everyone in the family. That being said, my wife's choice was a personal one and I believe the right choice for her at that time. I guess that if this post is advocating for anything it would be the importance of supporting your spouse through decision-making processes and realizing that growth and blessings can come regardless of the choice.

That, and keeping your freezer stocked with frozen pizza - just in case.

Creating Life - The worth of a soul

Things have been crazy, but wonderful, in our household of late. My wife just delivered our third child last Thursday - a baby boy. Seeing as how this blog is devoted to my wife and her basic awesomeness, it is only fitting that I write about some experiences regarding her bringing new life into the world and our home.

Before I go any further, I need to just say that my wife was a very tough trooper.  In our family, pregnancy means life is very different for everyone. My wife gets sick, her energy stores tend to tank big time, and honestly we fight more as a couple (and I'm not just chalking that up to wacky hormone levels - but also my own tiredness and impatience at times). Toward the end of the ordeal this time around, our home was in disarray more often than not, we ate less healthy because those meals tend to be easier to fix, the kids watched way more television than we would normally allow, and luckily we were saved by two wonderful mothers who were willing to come back to back so we could push through to the end. All that just to get a baby here. Not to mention her intense labor and delivery process which she endured with grace, beauty, and honesty ("I want to punch that lady in the face!" my wife yelled at one point as she ripped out her earphone. She wanted to punch the hypnotherapist whose recorded voice she was listening to so that she could be in a more relaxed state during her labor and delivery. Perhaps the CDs weren't totally worth the money). I love her brutal honesty!

This pregnancy, however, had a serious undertone of anxiety.  We found out at the second ultrasound that our son's umbilical cord was wrapped (perhaps twice) around his neck. I didn't tell my wife at the time, but I had earlier done some psychological testing with a man who had cognitive deficits which were very likely due to loss of oxygen at birth because of his cord being wrapped around his neck. I figured she didn't need to know about that. Because of the difficulty with the cord, I had some additional worries myself. During the last weeks leading up to delivery I had a few daydreams (more like day nightmares) where I would see/imagine that our son was born stillborn and we had to mourn his death at the time of his birth. Again, I didn't let my wife in on that one either until after our boy got here safely.

As you can imagine, we are both very excited to get him here - especially with no complications at birth.

I love this picture!  She looks so happy!

Though we were both excited, I was slightly dismayed that I didn't have overwhelming spiritual feelings or desires to be a better human being as I did with my older son. I was hoping for that feeling and thought like I might need it because I had been wondering if I could love another child as much as I love my older two children. That overwhelming feeling didn't come at first. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved this baby boy when he was first born, but to tell you the truth, I kind of thought he looked like a chunky-faced old man and thought, "hmmm, we made that? Ok. Well, thank goodness he's healthy." Not the reaction I was hoping for, exactly.

An important feeling came the following Sunday during church. I was wrestling my two year old while attempting to listen to the testimonies being born over the pulpit. I caught a few words here and there. One of the speakers spoke about the worth of a soul. I don't remember what he or she talked about much beyond that. But, my heart was touched with love, gratitude, and some justified fear.

Often when Mormons talk about the worth of a soul, it is put in the context of the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-16 which discusses the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and how, if Christ was willing to suffer and die for each human, their souls must really be worth something. Then, the scripture goes into a missionary message about how all souls are precious and we need to share the good news of Christ's love and redeeming grace to everyone.

But, the message my heart received was different. I thought of the unlimited potential of each human being - particularly my own new little soul that was just safely delivered into my wife's and my care. We are told that the work and glory of God is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children (Moses 1:39). That sounds like an obvious statement, but thinking about the meaning of eternal life in a Mormon context means living with God and becoming like God. Now this is obviously deep doctrine and I don't want to speculate into realms that have only been lightly revealed (click here for what has), but given that context, the soul of our little bundle of joy is of infinite worth. He is learning early lessons on his way toward an eternal inheritance......and doing so in my house! Yikes! What a scary thought! No pressure, it's not like there's a whole lot riding on how you parent this little guy.

I was overwhelmed with a sense of love for our new son, realizing that waiting to develop somewhere behind that cute little face (yeah, he's cuter now) is a potential future god. I was overcome with gratitude to my Heavenly Father for having entrusted this little guy into my and my wife's care. And truthfully, as I think about it now, it's a huge responsibility to parent a child and it scares me - sometimes quite a bit. We have three now!

As it turns out, this realization of infinite worth and possibility spread toward my other children as well. They are also on their way toward eternity under my and my wife's care. So, I have found myself being a bit more patient and understanding with my older kids when they misbehave. I've been a bit slower to anger. That has been a blessing for me and my children.

My wife has been an amazing woman through this first week with a new baby (but she is always amazing). I honestly can't imagine doing this without her. She is up multiple times during the night feeding our son, she has already been peed on a number of times while changing diapers, and she seems to know just what to do when our son gets fussy. It's a treasure watching her hold him because I can see the deep love that probably only a mother can understand and express. She suffered with him for 9 months and continues to sacrifice all of herself for him each day. That is true love.

But, more than just taking care of our son's physical needs, I am grateful that my wife is available to help instill morals, values, and a sense of self-worth and responsibility in our children - things that will help them grow into the kind of people that will be able to successfully navigate the world. I'm glad we are on the same team!

As I described above, my wife and I had very emotionally taxing worries about our son making it. Now, God likely does not have neurotic anxiety regarding future outcomes, but I know that He wants each of us to make it back to Him. Your potential, my son's potential, indeed - everyone's potential is eternal. Truly the worth of each soul is great.