Broken Wedding Ring

My wedding ring has been through some trauma as of late. A few weeks ago, I lost it. I came home from work, took it off, then.... it was just gone. About a week later it finally turned up. I was wrestling with the kids in the living room and saw it just laying there by my head on the floor. I was very excited to get it back, but also a bit surprised at how it had gone unnoticed in such a high traffic area. I swear, we vacuum. My wife commented that she was very glad that our ten month old didn't try to eat it and choke on it. I'm glad for that, too.

It's safe to say that I have been giving my wedding ring more thought since it was lost and subsequently found. It is quite unique, after all. My wife got me one of those tungsten rings with a cool pattern across the band. That isn't what makes it unique, though. My ring is cracked almost all the way through in one part of the band.

Here's the story: I hate flies. During dinner one day there happened to be a fly buzzing around my face. It was a colder day and my fingers were a bit more thin. I swatted at the fly with my hand, the ring flung off my finger, smacked against the tile floor, and BAM! a big chunk of it flew off.

At first, I was really upset. The ring felt uncomfortable on my finger. I tried to get it replaced or repaired. No protection plan - no help. I thought about replacing it with a new ring, but I didn't really want to get a ring other than the one my wife gave to me in the temple on our wedding day. This ring is special for that reason. I also didn't want to shell out the cash for another ring. I can be kind of tight that way. The break in my ring came up in conversation one day with a patient and he mentioned that the ring had "character." I agree.

A few weeks ago I was looking at the ring and noticed how, because of the break, the ring looks stressed, worn, and fragile - like it was one good smack away from breaking apart completely. Yet it was still intact. For some reason, I was struck with the thought that I was grateful for this break, glad that my ring had a huge tear almost all the way through. It is a reminder of what could happen if I do not take care of it.

...And then I thought about my marriage and my wife. My wife and I have been stressed, worn down, and at times the marriage has seemed somewhat fragile. We have made it through some difficult times, but are still together. I thought about how this ring is a reminder to me of what could possibly happen to my marriage if I don't take care of it, a reminder to me of my responsibility to love and care for my wife. It is a reminder also that marriages, in general, can be fragile if they are not cared for.

Now, please don't misunderstand - I'm not saying that all marriages are inherently weak, that they are one good fight away from plunging into divorce, or that couples should walk around on eggshells for fear of accidentally breaking this fragile entity known as a marriage. I also am not stating that fighting is inherently bad or that fighting will destroy a relationship. A well-known psychologist, Dr. Gottman, has made a career out of researching marriages. He has stated that even couples in very strong marriages fight and have conflict, disagreements, and differences that are seemingly unsolvable. However, the difference is that couples in strong marriages tend to offer their spouse a measure of respect during the process of the argument, fight, or disagreement. This is a gross over-generalization of his statements on this issue, as you may have guessed. If you want more info, feel free to read his books or research articles.

But what I am stating is this: marriage is a type of relationship that if not cared for will break apart. Marriage in our society is a very fragile institution. I'm not sure of the actual rate of divorce in the United States, but everyone seems to quote 50% of marriages end in divorce. Even if that figure is somewhat inflated, the stability of marriage in the US is quite tenuous. I don't really want to enumerate all of the forces at work trying to tear marriages apart, but I will simply say this - there are a lot.

Because marriage can be so fragile, it must be protected, safeguarded, and looked after. In a talk on marriage, H Burton Howard compared marriage to a set of nice silverware that his wife was particularly fond of. He stated, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently" just like his wife treated the silverware set differently than any of their other possessions. In doing some reflection, I realized anew the importance of caring for my wife, listening to her, being interested in the things that are important to her, respecting her, sharing her hopes, fears, dreams, etc. When we ignore the needs and desires of our spouse, when we take our spouse for granted, and certainly if we abuse or mistreat our spouse, we are doing damage that could possibly be irreparable.

On the day my wife gave me this ring, it was seemingly perfect, whole, and symbolized the eternal nature of the bond we were creating that day. Now, when I see my ring, I am reminded that a marriage (mine included) is fragile and that because it is breakable I must treat her with more care, must safeguard her, and be there for her. It is still a symbol of that eternal bond, but with an added realization that I must treat her differently.

...and it also reminds me to use a fly swatter.