One of the leaders of the group asked us to recall a "special something" or "fun thing" that we did for each other during our courtship years. I couldn't think of anything. Then, they asked for answers from each member of the class. I was last, and by the time it came to me I really couldn't think of anything. This should be easy, I thought to myself, just say something special that your wife did for you when you were dating... Nothing came. It was kind of embarrassing. Someone in class mentioned that I have a blog in which I always talk about my wife, so I should totally know about this. That helped, a little, because then I could say something quick about how my wife is always trying new recipes, etc. I'm pretty sure that I hurt my wife's feelings, and honestly, I don't blame her. After all, she was able to remember the time on April Fools day that I crate papered her front door and garage closed and unintentionally made her late to work.
The pressure of being put on the spot now gone, I have since remembered a number of fun things that my wife did for me and that we did together while courting. Like the framed picture collage she made when I graduated with my master's degree, the time we went to the rock gym and she was able to scale higher up the wall than I was, constructing and racing a pinewood derby car in a church sponsored race (our car was terrible), many water fights, lots of fun parties with other friends including a surprise birthday party she planned for me, etc. etc. etc.
I bring this up because it got me thinking about my focus in our marriage. Looking at some of the older posts about marriage on this blog, there is a consistent theme - Marriage is tough! One of these posts is literally titled "Love is not Easy". Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not backing away from my former statements, but I do want to present some additional information that can round out the picture of what marriage can be - and what I would like my marriage to be like.
The above mentioned question about "fun things", I believe, was asked to help us remember and focus on positive aspects of the marital relationship. It can be so easy to focus on the grind, the daily checkbox lists, the budgets, the carting of kids to and fro, and all of the routine aspects that come along with marriage and family life that it is seemingly impossible to find some time for fun. This is compounded in marriages that are under extreme duress due to illness, death, or other major stressors. Yes, I do believe that mourning with our partners through these difficulties and sharing these responsibilities with our spouse will demonstrate and grow our love, but the whole of marriage is not suffering.
Fun is an important part of every marriage. Smiling with each other, joking with each other (in ways your partner appreciates, of course), and playing together are also essential elements of a marital relationship. The facilitator shared this quote by James E. Faust about some potential causes of divorce. He said,
"It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage. It is an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull."
It is a reminder that there are roses out there to smell and that it is important to smell them from time to time. Look back at the time you and your spouse first met, at some of the fun things that you may have done, at some of the good times. Are there ways to recreate that? Are there new things that you and your spouse want to try out? What do you all like doing together? Smell those roses, even if it is just for a short moment or two.
The next night after the kids were in bed, my wife and I took some inventory about the direction of our marriage regarding having fun together. We decided to take some steps toward increased fun together.
We pulled out the old Monopoly game - Star Wars edition! And she didn't even complain when I won - now that is love!
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