What a grief therapy group taught me about the sacrament

A few years ago I was a  practicum student trying to get hours for my doctoral degree in counseling psychology. One of my mentors was a therapist at a smaller university and was willing to let me to sit in and co-facilitate a grief therapy group.  All of the members had lost someone close to them, whether it was a husband, son, father, daughter, grandmother, etc. On about the 4th or 5th group meeting, my on-site supervisor was not able to attend I was charged with facilitating the group that day.

After a short time, the group members started talking about food and recipes. They expressed regret for not writing down or learning certain recipes or ways of preparing dishes for which the deceased was famous. To be honest, I was wondering whether the group had veered off course. I thought that perhaps some of the group members were avoiding topics that, for obvious reasons, might be too emotional to face at the moment. Where else would they face these difficult emotions if not in therapy? I considered possibly refocusing the group onto topics they might have been avoiding.

Then, I thought, "Well, even if we aren't really dealing with the depths of emotion right now, food is something that connects us to another person." I thought about how a mother feeds her baby and a bond and connection is formed through the act of being fed. Many cultures around the world use food as a means of caring and showing respect for their guests. In my congregation, it is common for families to bring meals to a woman and her family when she gives birth as a means of supporting her and her family. Being fed is a symbol of being cared for, nourished, protected, and nurtured.

My thoughts then went to the food that I consume each Sunday as a token of the Savior's sacrifice. Those in attendance at the group were remembering deceased relatives through food - just as Christ asked each of us to remember him by eating and drinking special food. He said after breaking bread, "This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me." And again after pouring the wine "this cup is the new testament in my blood, which is shed for you" (Luke 22: 19+20).

What better way could He have us symbolically remember Him each week than by utilizing the in-born bond between the provider and the partaker of nourishment? As I think on these things, it emphasizes the importance of the sacrament and the way that Jesus was able to bring spiritual matters down to a temporal level so that we, as humans, can understand and connect with spiritual things.

The Last Supper by Simon Dewey

Looking back now, I am very glad that I did not redirect the conversation on food and recipes during the group. I am also thankful to those members of the group for creating an atmosphere in which I could be taught a valuable lesson.

How does the sacrament help you remember Jesus? What are some other everyday things that help you remember Him?

Love is not Easy

I recently had a conversation about the movie American Sniper with some combat veterans. About half indicated they had seen the movie and thought it was good. In the midst of this conversation the notion of sacrifice and love came up. Love for country and love for those with whom he served kept bringing Mr. Kyle back to combat. The movie also depicts his struggle to connect and experience love for and from his family. The discussion went in a few directions, but eventually ended with how Mr. Kyle spent a good portion of his life after his military service helping fellow veterans and trying to rehabilitate them. It was exactly this service which led to his untimely death.

This discussion touched me deeply and I have been thinking ever since about the idea that love is not an easy experience. I say "experience" because love isn't defined by just a feeling or emotion, nor is it encapsulated by a single action. What I mean is that when we love someone or something we generally act in a way that demonstrates that love - repeatedly. It usually entails a certain degree of sacrifice, often a great deal of sacrifice.

In the midst of the conversation with these veterans, my thoughts went to my wife and children. Loving them is easy, but at the same time it really isn't. I know that sounds bad or immoral in some way, but loving them requires doing some things I would rather not do and may ask me to go through experiences that are difficult and painful. For instance, love requires getting up early in the morning to feed a crying baby, changing a pair of underwear in a public restroom after an accident, playing with Barbie dolls, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and many other tasks. As my mind's eye looks ahead, I know that trials larger than soiled underwear or dirty dishes will likely come - whether it be sickness, a child making poor choices leading to terrible consequences, suffering, conflict, or even death. Sometimes love induces grief. I often tell clients who are grieving the loss of a loved one that, just as they would never stop loving that person, their grief will likely continue to be a part of their life. In fact, that grief is a way of knowing how deeply and truly they loved that other person. When our loved one suffers, it causes us to suffer as well. There is no way to avoid pain, trial, and suffering in life and being able to share that with another - co-suffering - is a deep and beautiful expression of love.

Valentine's season is upon us and many people are celebrating their love. This is often expressed through flowers, jewelry, candy, cards, and other acts to demonstrate love and intimacy between couples. Love is generally associated with happiness, excitement, and tingly types of emotions. This is good and I would certainly not suggest that we shouldn't do these things.  Nor am I suggesting that love should always be difficult. Love can and should be fun! What I mean is that true love will test the boundaries of our ability to feel, care, and sacrifice. Along with the fun and happy times, the experience of truly loving another person completely means leaving oneself open to heartbreak, engaging in tasks that are less than desirable, and co-suffering.

Unfortunately, we have a counterpoint to this way of seeing love. In pop culture the idea of love is that it has to satisfy us and as soon as it doesn't, something is wrong. The relationship "isn't working out" or "fulfilling my needs." Being a mom or dad isn't "convenient" or "takes too much effort". The rising generation today has been termed by authors from Forbes to the NY Times as the "Selfie Generation" and I wonder whether the prominent love of self over all else has permeated society in many respects. And if so, what does that mean about our ability to overcome our own narcissism and truly love another person? Because true love requires that we strip away our natural proclivities toward narcissism. This narcissism has consumed and repackaged love in its own image. This mirage of love is often peddled in movies and on the TV, certainly in pornographic content. The focus is on the self "What can this other person do for or to me?" Instead, the question should be "what can I do for this other person?" My wife pointed out to me a few weeks ago a blog post discussing a statistical analysis from Porn Hub that found one of the most frequent comments made in pornographic websites was the word "love". Certainly this is a misnomer. I find it quite interesting that this weekend we have another movie recently released (purposefully around Valentine's Day) that will likely influence the way in which the viewers will understand love. I have only read a few snippets of the book and seen the movie trailers, but I have read enough to know that 50 Shades of Grey is basically erotic fiction about a guy who dominates a woman sexually. Sounds selfish, controlling, and narcissistic to me, none of which is love. Terming this movie a love story is a significant twisted co-opting of the term.

The best definition of true love that I can find is the description in 1 Corinthians 13. Paul uses these terms to describe love: it "suffereth long" "beareth all things" "endureth all things" "envieth not" "is not puffed up" and finally, love "never faileth." These attributes don't exactly sound easy to me - nor do they sound selfish. AND... I know that I fail on a daily basis at expressing this type of love to my wife and children and to others, but it is possible to practice and cultivate this type of love.

Toward the end of the conversation with these veterans, the thought came into my mind about Jesus Christ. The thought was this: Love was not easy for Him. He ended up nailed to a cross because of His love. How can you expect it to be easy for you if you are trying to emulate Him?

It was a humbling thought, but it makes me grateful for the One Perfect Example of love and the many imperfect examples that I have had in my life - my wife when she awakens to nurse a crying baby or spend hours planning and putting on a class Valentine's party for our daughter, my children when they play with each other and help and hug each other, my grandparents who spent years taking care of their spouses who were ill in health, active duty service members who sacrifice self and family for freedom and their country, and the veterans at the hospital when they care for each other in so many ways.

This Valentine's Day, I hope that we can enjoy the exciting, tingling, fun anticipation of being with our beloved (or just having some fun with friends). I hope we all enjoy this holiday and express love. I know that I will be trying to have a good time with my wife and children and make it special. Yet I want to be mindful of what true love has cost so many throughout history and that true love will always include sacrifice and suffering. Yet through these experiences the deepness of our love grows and becomes more powerful and beautiful.

Wife's Wisdom: How our Flood didn't Steal Christmas

With the Christmas season upon us, there has been an increased level of activity in our home - particularly in the area of Christmas decorating. During our first Christmas as a married couple, we decided to continue my wife's family's tradition of decorating the tree and home as a family while listening to Christmas music and then enjoy a cup of hot chocolate together. We continued that tradition this year with both of our children joining in. Our older daughter was actually helpful and did a great job getting the ornaments on the tree (albeit mainly bunched in one area). Our two year old mostly ran around the room, but at least he didn't destroy anything.

My wife has an amazing eye for what looks good. She picked out a beautiful Christmas tree, and after the lights and decorations were on, she thought that adding some gold mesh glittery garnish (I really don't know what it's called) would make the tree look just right. She made the garland by getting some gold mesh (which you can probably get at any craft store like Hobby Lobby), bunching it up and creating bulges by tying gold and green pipe cleaners around it. Quite inventive, if you ask me. You can see what I mean below. She spent a great deal of time putting the finishing touches on this tree.

Here is the result:

About a week or so ago, she decided to put some presents under the tree, hoping that our 2 year old wouldn't grab, unwrap, scatter, or otherwise destroy the presents. He has done amazing and hasn't opened a single one.

It was shaping up to be a picture-perfect Christmas in our household.

Then last Saturday happened.

While at a scout activity, I got a text from my wife asking if I knew anyone who had a shop vac that could suck up water. This is not the text you want to get - ever. Then, later, I got a phone call from her, frantically asking if I'd come home early from the activity.

I discovered that the discharge from our washing machine had somehow pulled out of the wall and leaked gallons of water onto the floor and had seaped into our bedroom and the family room carpets. Then, just to make it more interesting, the Christmas tree fell over, spilling water all over the presents and drenching that part of the floor as well.

Here are some pictures of the fallout:

 

After most of the water was wiped up with all of the towels in our house, we used fans and shirts to try and dry out the carpets.

 



 Here I am trying to dry up the carpet with the shop vac where the tree had fallen over.

 We had to pull up the carpet and get the wet padding out to avoid mold. Which put our bedroom in quite a bit of a mess.

Talk about a stressful morning for my wife! To add a bit of perspective to the situation, my wife is in her 3rd trimester of pregnancy, I had been away for the previous 2 days, and she was at home with two young children and her father-in-law who was visiting that morning.

Yet, in the midst of floods and a toppled tree, my wife's wisdom does not disappoint. When the tree fell over (for the second time) my daughter was, naturally, very upset and exclaimed, "Christmas is ruined!" Noticing a teaching moment, my wife stated:

"Christmas is not ruined. Christmas is not about trees or presents, it's about Jesus."

I've thought about my wife's statement quite a bit since our Christmas flood of 2013 (hopefully it won't be an annual thing). We spent a lot of time, energy, and money on the tree, the decorations, and the presents. My wife certainly put a great deal of her soul into making sure the tree was lovely, the presents precisely wrapped, and the decorations on the tree trimmed just right. She loves to make sure things look beautiful and is a natural homemaker. As I've said before, her ability as a homemaker is a beautiful gift that she gives to me and our children each day. And yet she recognized that the tree, the decorations, the beautifully wrapped presents, and even a dry carpet are non-essential Christmas items. She knew that there is truly only one essential Christmas emblem - Christ Himself.

Most presents are likely to be forgotten or broken as time passes; trees will be mulched, trashed, or gather dust in an attic; most decorations eventually break; but God's gift of his Son to each of us is as timeless as eternity.  I believe John put the essence of Christmas best when he wrote:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). 

I'm grateful for my wife who, right in the midst of what seemed like a Christmas season-ending disaster, had the insight to teach all of us in our family what Christmas is really about.

Since the flood and tree falling incident, we have fixed the carpet (after a couple of late nights) and put the tree back in place. We have yet to redecorate the tree or put the angel on top - it's a combination of fear that it will fall again, not wanting to replace broken lights, and simple laziness since Christmas is so close anyways. So, the tree looks much more plain than it did before. But, each time I look at that tree, I remember our little experience last week. Some of the frustration comes back, as does some sadness for all of the hard work that my wife put into such a beautiful tree which she doesn't get to enjoy, but my wife's wise words also come back to mind each time I see our relatively bare tree. It might be odd to say, but we were given an early gift this Christmas season - a reminder that no matter what happens, the real gift of Christmas is always given, waiting to be received.