How differences between spouses can strengthen a marriage

I recently got a huge influx of marital therapy clients. This has been quite exciting because working with couples was one of the reasons I decided to get involved in the field of psychology. Between brushing up on some literature and theory for working with couples and seeing about 12-13 new couples for therapy, it is safe to say that relational dynamics have been at the forefront of my mind lately.

The particular type of approach I use in marital therapy emphasizes that various differences exist between partners (some of which may have actually been attractive initially) and that these differences are in some way creating conflict, arguments, discord, etc. The therapy is basically aimed at helping the couple see how these differences (and the attempts at trying to change the other person) are creating a problematic relational pattern, and then for the partners to learn some empathy for the differences in their spouse. In short, acceptance is the goal. Yes, change is also the goal, and will often follow acceptance once committed partners realize that what they have been doing isn't getting them what they want. Of course, this is a significantly simplified version of the therapy and there are some behaviors in a marriage for which acceptance would definitely not be appropriate (abuse, etc.). For more information about the therapy, you can visit this website.

It was with all of this buzzing around in my head that a few weeks ago, my wife had an interpersonal argument with someone close to her that created quite a bit of frustration for her. Being her husband, she shared her frustration with me. When she is upset by someone else, my basic tactic has been to briefly listen to her, try to calm her down, and persuade her to take a more peacemaking route - or to just let it go.

Let me explain my reasoning for encouraging in this way: In my family of origin, I tended to play a peacemaking role and I generally do not like a whole lot of conflict. I was often trying to smooth over little fights, or cheer someone up after a conflict. So, this is my main stance toward conflict. Also, I figure, if my wife can just let the argument go, then she can avoid a great deal of future stress, frustration, and also avoid more wrath from the other party. It also allows me to continue to avoid conflict. See, a total win-win situation. Right?

Well, as it turns out... not so much.

I was taking the trash out after having just encouraged her to let the problem go and just not worry about it. And as I was carrying that bag, the thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. When it comes to perceived conflict, she will approach the conflict, whereas I will avoid it. She sticks up for herself and I try to smooth things over.

It was like a light went on in my head. My wife didn't really need or want me to appease her - she needed an ally, someone to listen to her and support her. In fact, my stance toward her had been making the situation worse because she saw me as unsupportive. I can't count how many times she has accused me of being on the "other person's side." Looking back now, through her eyes, I can see how my stance toward her has been perceived as condescending (at best) or taking the opposite side (at worst).

That night we had a chat about exactly this. We examined how our learning histories with conflict had shaped this part of our behavior. I shared how I had tried to quell conflict in my home. She shared some of her experiences which taught her that approaching conflict and sticking up for herself was protective. I couldn't really argue with that. I also learned she believed I was overlooking her feelings, when I thought I had been responding to her emotions in a way that would be most helpful and prevent further collateral damage. It was a very sweet moment in our marriage that I am extremely grateful for.

Differences within a marriage can be very frustrating. Differences can pull partners apart. But, if we let them, differences can also be a significant opportunity for empathy, compassion, and love. We can practice true love as we love our spouse not only because we "have so much in common" as many couples generally exclaim when they first meet, but also because we choose to see the world through our spouse's eyes.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon which reads "I give unto man weakness that they may be humble;...if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

Applying this scripture to relationships, it could read: "I give unto couples differences so that they can be humble - and if they humble themselves and have faith in me, then will I make these differences become a source of strength unto them."

Differences within a marriage offer us an opportunity to struggle in our love so that it deepens, so that our relationship becomes stronger.

I'm not suggesting that differences between spouses will never be annoying, difficult, or cause problems now and again (or even often), but having the ability to empathize with your spouse and to have compassion for the way he or she sees the world can be very helpful before an argument can turn into a full blown battle.

Again, I recognize that certain behaviors in a marriage cross the threshold between just being a difference and being harmful, abusive, and dangerous. In those situations (physical, sexual, and some emotional abuse, etc.) it is not useful or helpful to accept or empathize with this behavior.

One of my professors said he always seemed to be a better husband during the semester he taught the marital therapy class. I think, likewise, having my mind so focused on healing relationships has made me a better husband as well.


I would love to hear ways that any of you have been able to overlook, appreciate, or accept the differences in your partners. Please share! I'd love to learn from you!