Broken Wedding Ring

My wedding ring has been through some trauma as of late. A few weeks ago, I lost it. I came home from work, took it off, then.... it was just gone. About a week later it finally turned up. I was wrestling with the kids in the living room and saw it just laying there by my head on the floor. I was very excited to get it back, but also a bit surprised at how it had gone unnoticed in such a high traffic area. I swear, we vacuum. My wife commented that she was very glad that our ten month old didn't try to eat it and choke on it. I'm glad for that, too.

It's safe to say that I have been giving my wedding ring more thought since it was lost and subsequently found. It is quite unique, after all. My wife got me one of those tungsten rings with a cool pattern across the band. That isn't what makes it unique, though. My ring is cracked almost all the way through in one part of the band.

Here's the story: I hate flies. During dinner one day there happened to be a fly buzzing around my face. It was a colder day and my fingers were a bit more thin. I swatted at the fly with my hand, the ring flung off my finger, smacked against the tile floor, and BAM! a big chunk of it flew off.

At first, I was really upset. The ring felt uncomfortable on my finger. I tried to get it replaced or repaired. No protection plan - no help. I thought about replacing it with a new ring, but I didn't really want to get a ring other than the one my wife gave to me in the temple on our wedding day. This ring is special for that reason. I also didn't want to shell out the cash for another ring. I can be kind of tight that way. The break in my ring came up in conversation one day with a patient and he mentioned that the ring had "character." I agree.

A few weeks ago I was looking at the ring and noticed how, because of the break, the ring looks stressed, worn, and fragile - like it was one good smack away from breaking apart completely. Yet it was still intact. For some reason, I was struck with the thought that I was grateful for this break, glad that my ring had a huge tear almost all the way through. It is a reminder of what could happen if I do not take care of it.

...And then I thought about my marriage and my wife. My wife and I have been stressed, worn down, and at times the marriage has seemed somewhat fragile. We have made it through some difficult times, but are still together. I thought about how this ring is a reminder to me of what could possibly happen to my marriage if I don't take care of it, a reminder to me of my responsibility to love and care for my wife. It is a reminder also that marriages, in general, can be fragile if they are not cared for.

Now, please don't misunderstand - I'm not saying that all marriages are inherently weak, that they are one good fight away from plunging into divorce, or that couples should walk around on eggshells for fear of accidentally breaking this fragile entity known as a marriage. I also am not stating that fighting is inherently bad or that fighting will destroy a relationship. A well-known psychologist, Dr. Gottman, has made a career out of researching marriages. He has stated that even couples in very strong marriages fight and have conflict, disagreements, and differences that are seemingly unsolvable. However, the difference is that couples in strong marriages tend to offer their spouse a measure of respect during the process of the argument, fight, or disagreement. This is a gross over-generalization of his statements on this issue, as you may have guessed. If you want more info, feel free to read his books or research articles.

But what I am stating is this: marriage is a type of relationship that if not cared for will break apart. Marriage in our society is a very fragile institution. I'm not sure of the actual rate of divorce in the United States, but everyone seems to quote 50% of marriages end in divorce. Even if that figure is somewhat inflated, the stability of marriage in the US is quite tenuous. I don't really want to enumerate all of the forces at work trying to tear marriages apart, but I will simply say this - there are a lot.

Because marriage can be so fragile, it must be protected, safeguarded, and looked after. In a talk on marriage, H Burton Howard compared marriage to a set of nice silverware that his wife was particularly fond of. He stated, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently" just like his wife treated the silverware set differently than any of their other possessions. In doing some reflection, I realized anew the importance of caring for my wife, listening to her, being interested in the things that are important to her, respecting her, sharing her hopes, fears, dreams, etc. When we ignore the needs and desires of our spouse, when we take our spouse for granted, and certainly if we abuse or mistreat our spouse, we are doing damage that could possibly be irreparable.

On the day my wife gave me this ring, it was seemingly perfect, whole, and symbolized the eternal nature of the bond we were creating that day. Now, when I see my ring, I am reminded that a marriage (mine included) is fragile and that because it is breakable I must treat her with more care, must safeguard her, and be there for her. It is still a symbol of that eternal bond, but with an added realization that I must treat her differently.

...and it also reminds me to use a fly swatter.

Lessons from my Wife Working (Outside the Home)

A few months back, my wife decided she wanted to work outside the home. It was a tough decision that she and I came to for a multitude of reasons. Some of these were financial - to help our family pay down debt. Some were emotional and interpersonal - she shared with me that she was struggling with postpartum depression and thought that getting out of the house and having some face time with people who were not children or mommies might do her some good. It was very important to me that I be supportive of her as she struggled to make this choice. She finally indicated that she felt good about starting to work. She put in an application at a local department store and was hired almost immediately.

I was excited for her! She would be able to make some more money, she would be able to get a break from the kids, she would make more friends. I thought these would enrich her life. Also, if this helped with some of the depression, then she would likely be more engaged with the children when she was at home with them. 

I was also excited for me, too. I would get to demonstrate to my wife how awesome I was at childrearing. I would get to do what I wanted with the kids in the evenings and not worry about following her instructions. And yeah, I'll admit it, there was a part of me that thought I could do it better than she did.

As an added bonus, her work was flexible with our schedule. I would be able to go to work during the day and then we would switch cars at the parking lot for my wife's job. It was a perfect scenario. No day care or babysitters. Sweet! Everything was set and perfect.

The first night went off like a charm. I had the kids fed, worn out from playing, in bed, and all went according to plan. I was pretty proud of myself. I probably looked fairly smug, because my wife sat me down on the couch and said, "Honey, don't expect every night to be this easy. It won't always go perfectly."

HOW RIGHT SHE WAS!!!!!!!

There are numerous lessons that I have learned (or are in the process of learning) from this experience of my wife being in the corporate workforce.

1. My wife's job as a mother is HARD!

Some days I'm awesome at it. It all seems to go so smoothly. I can get dinner on while intermittently holding a baby, check over homework, have a dance party to some pop radio station on Pandora, get the kids all worn out, have bath time, get the middle child in bed, then put the baby down, read my oldest daugher a chapter from a Harry Potter book and done. I'm on the couch chilling out by 8:00 (or more likely doing dishes or cleaning the house).
 
But most of the time not so much - like the time I lost my middle child in the mall while trying to feed the baby when we were at the play place. Yeah, that was terrifying. Luckily some concerned mother took him to customer service. Or the times when I have the baby asleep and am picking up the book to start reading to my daughter and he wakes up and starts to cry again. Or the middle child gets out of bed for what seems like the millionth time. Or the many times when my patience is exremely thin, my energy is low and it is all I can do to just get some food on the table (frozen pizza anyone?), turn on a movie for the kids, or send them out to the backyard (if only they would stay out there for more time).

I kid you not, I actually started to have anxiety reactions upon driving from my work to my wife's work to pick up the kids - my stomach would get tight, my shoulders would ache, my knees would start to hurt some. I had to remind myself to take deep breaths and say affirming statements. I was doing psychotherapy on myself. At least I have faith in my own craft, right?

There have been times when I have completely lost my patience, my temper, and I'm sure my son and daughter know some unsavory words thanks to me. I had a few moments, one in particular, where I thought I was completely losing my mind.

I said above that my wife was right about each night not being easy. That's an understatement. Taking care of three kids in the evenings and on the weekends that my wife is at work is a monumental task for me and it has been extremely difficult. It has opened my eyes to the task that my wife faces each day when I am at work. The times when I would come home from work and she would say, "I need to escape for a while" make complete sense now.

2. Practice and experience improve performance

Yes, it has been difficult. Yes, I have lost it on more than one occasion. Yes, some days I just want to check out and "go to the bathroom" (I swear, my kids are going to grow up thinking that I have some kind of gastrointestinal problem with how long it takes me to "go potty" <wink wink>). But, over time, it has gotten easier. This isn't to say that the seams can't come unloose at any moment, but in general the trend has been onward and upward. The days do get relatively easier, the frequency of easier days has increased, and I have a better feel for what should happen, how it should happen, and when it needs to happen. A quote that has been attributed to both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Heber J. Grant seems to sum up how I feel about this:

“That which we persist in doing becomes easy to do; not because the nature of the thing has changed, but because our power to do it has increased.”

Now, I wouldn't say that it is "easy" for me - not by a longshot. But, it is getting easier. I believe that my power to raise these children has increased. Sure, I'm definitely not perfect at it, but I feel much more confident.

This looks like it was probably one of the easy days...


3. My kids love and miss their mommy

Some of you may have read the post I wrote about my wife already having a REAL job as a mother and the conversation my daughter and I had about this. My wife has told me many times that our oldest daughter always wanted her mommy to go out to work. Now that it has become a reality, the grass doesn't seem all that greener on the other side. My daughter has said to me on more than one occasion that she wants her mommy. Now, to be honest, this has mostly happened in the midst of her being disciplined for something and was likely a manipulation attempt. But, there is definitely a joy and happiness that fills my children's faces when mommy comes home on the Saturdays or Sundays she is required to work. The youngest definitely gets excited when mommy comes home at night (if he has been refusing to fall asleep) and he gets his cuddles. It has been nice to see my wife enjoying that moment upon returning home from work - the kids running to give hugs and kisses, and yelling out "mommy!!!". It is quite a re-affirming moment when you realize that (even though the kids might sometimes act like they are plotting your demise) they actually do love you. It has been nice to see how much the children love and adore their mother.

4. I have become a better husband and father

Through it all, this experience has strengthened me. Not too long ago, my wife and I found ourselves in our now former bishop's office discussing some marital and parenting issues. His advice was pretty obvious in theory, but difficult in practice. He told us that in the evenings we both had to be 100% engaged in the work of the family - taking care of kids, getting the dinner on, etc. If we were both united and working side by side, we could own the situation - especially if we had the Lord's help. I don't think I appreciated or really took this advice to heart until my wife went back to work. I had to demonstrate the ability to do it all by myself. I have come to realize what actually has to happen at night. I have shown that I can make it happen. Before, I generally followed my wife's lead and just did what she told me to do (not a bad thing, but certainly not the best). There is a scripture that basically says we shouldn't be commanded in all things, but should do good things of our own accord (D&C 58:26&27). I'm sure that my waiting for her lead in helping out at night was frustrating for my wife.

Now, when my wife has a night off and we are both at home during dinner and the nighttime routine, it is a much sweeter and easier experience for me. I can read that Harry Potter book to my daughter and know that my wife will take care of the crying baby. Or I can put both of the older children to bed so my wife can enjoy her time with the baby. Or any multiple combinations of task division. This has made life easier for my wife and I believe I am better for it.


Some final thoughts:
I hope that I am not being misinterpreted: This is not a clarion call that all mothers should work outside of the home. This post is not advocating for or against that. This happened to be my wife's choice at that time. It has been a difficult process for me, but also for my wife. She could likely write a post of her own about what working outside the home has been like for her (the good and the bad). I continue to maintain what I said in earlier posts that the work my wife does inside the home is of infinitely more value than the work I do outside the home. I continue to affirm that the role of mother is a beautiful one that enriches and blesses the lives of everyone in the family. That being said, my wife's choice was a personal one and I believe the right choice for her at that time. I guess that if this post is advocating for anything it would be the importance of supporting your spouse through decision-making processes and realizing that growth and blessings can come regardless of the choice.

That, and keeping your freezer stocked with frozen pizza - just in case.

3rd Child & Blogging Update

Since the birth of our third child, the blogging has significantly dropped off - and by drop off I mean I haven't written in about 10 months. So, yeah, a bit more than just a break, I guess. Turns out having three kids is quite a bit different than just having two. I think that my wife and I knew this (at least cognitively) prior to the arrival of #3, but now it is safe to say that we have experienced what being outnumbered by kids feels like. But, we are lucky - we have 3 amazing kids. They might make us a little crazy a lot of the time - or a lot crazy a little bit of the time, but I'm grateful for each of them.

This picture pretty much sums up what I've wanted to do the majority of my free time since having our 3rd child (hence, the lack of blog posts):

 

Alas, those moments of precious sleep are few and far between. Luckily, amid all of the crazies, I do get moments like this:

And this....

And it becomes worth it.
But (and I don't think I'm alone here) seeing this at the end of a long day is one of my favorites:

So, with this long break in blogging I've also decided to change up the blog a bit. Instead of the blog being solely focused on my wife, I've expanded the focus to include stories about my children, events from life, insights that may (hopefully) be of interest. Generally, I will try to make these uplifting, inspiring, and faith-promoting but also about real-life issues. And of course, I will continue to share cool things that my wife is doing.

Happy reading!