Fun in Marriage

My wife and I have been attending a marriage workshop at our church. Our most recent class opened my mind to something I have been missing lately in my own marriage - and in the way I have been thinking about (and writing about) relationships in general lately.

One of the leaders of the group asked us to recall a "special something" or "fun thing" that we did for each other during our courtship years. I couldn't think of anything. Then, they asked for answers from each member of the class. I was last, and by the time it came to me I really couldn't think of anything. This should be easy, I thought to myself, just say something special that your wife did for you when you were dating... Nothing came. It was kind of embarrassing. Someone in class mentioned that I have a blog in which I always talk about my wife, so I should totally know about this. That helped, a little, because then I could say something quick about how my wife is always trying new recipes, etc. I'm pretty sure that I hurt my wife's feelings, and honestly, I don't blame her. After all, she was able to remember the time on April Fools day that I crate papered her front door and garage closed and unintentionally made her late to work.

The pressure of being put on the spot now gone, I have since remembered a number of fun things that my wife did for me and that we did together while courting. Like the framed picture collage she made when I graduated with my master's degree, the time we went to the rock gym and she was able to scale higher up the wall than I was, constructing and racing a pinewood derby car in a church sponsored race (our car was terrible), many water fights, lots of fun parties with other friends including a surprise birthday party she planned for me, etc. etc. etc.

I bring this up because it got me thinking about my focus in our marriage. Looking at some of the older posts about marriage on this blog, there is a consistent theme - Marriage is tough! One of these posts is literally titled "Love is not Easy". Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not backing away from my former statements, but I do want to present some additional information that can round out the picture of what marriage can be - and what I would like my marriage to be like.

The above mentioned question about "fun things", I believe, was asked to help us remember and focus on positive aspects of the marital relationship. It can be so easy to focus on the grind, the daily checkbox lists, the budgets, the carting of kids to and fro, and all of the routine aspects that come along with marriage and family life that it is seemingly impossible to find some time for fun. This is compounded in marriages that are under extreme duress due to illness, death, or other major stressors. Yes, I do believe that mourning with our partners through these difficulties and sharing these responsibilities with our spouse will demonstrate and grow our love, but the whole of marriage is not suffering.

Fun is an important part of every marriage. Smiling with each other, joking with each other (in ways your partner appreciates, of course), and playing together are also essential elements of a marital relationship. The facilitator shared this quote by James E. Faust about some potential causes of divorce. He said,

"It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage. It is an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, when it is also drudgery, difficult, and dull."

It is a reminder that there are roses out there to smell and that it is important to smell them from time to time. Look back at the time you and your spouse first met, at some of the fun things that you may have done, at some of the good times. Are there ways to recreate that? Are there new things that you and your spouse want to try out? What do you all like doing together? Smell those roses, even if it is just for a short moment or two.

The next night after the kids were in bed, my wife and I took some inventory about the direction of our marriage regarding having fun together. We decided to take some steps toward increased fun together.

We pulled out the old Monopoly game - Star Wars edition! And she didn't even complain when I won - now that is love!

What a grief therapy group taught me about the sacrament

A few years ago I was a  practicum student trying to get hours for my doctoral degree in counseling psychology. One of my mentors was a therapist at a smaller university and was willing to let me to sit in and co-facilitate a grief therapy group.  All of the members had lost someone close to them, whether it was a husband, son, father, daughter, grandmother, etc. On about the 4th or 5th group meeting, my on-site supervisor was not able to attend I was charged with facilitating the group that day.

After a short time, the group members started talking about food and recipes. They expressed regret for not writing down or learning certain recipes or ways of preparing dishes for which the deceased was famous. To be honest, I was wondering whether the group had veered off course. I thought that perhaps some of the group members were avoiding topics that, for obvious reasons, might be too emotional to face at the moment. Where else would they face these difficult emotions if not in therapy? I considered possibly refocusing the group onto topics they might have been avoiding.

Then, I thought, "Well, even if we aren't really dealing with the depths of emotion right now, food is something that connects us to another person." I thought about how a mother feeds her baby and a bond and connection is formed through the act of being fed. Many cultures around the world use food as a means of caring and showing respect for their guests. In my congregation, it is common for families to bring meals to a woman and her family when she gives birth as a means of supporting her and her family. Being fed is a symbol of being cared for, nourished, protected, and nurtured.

My thoughts then went to the food that I consume each Sunday as a token of the Savior's sacrifice. Those in attendance at the group were remembering deceased relatives through food - just as Christ asked each of us to remember him by eating and drinking special food. He said after breaking bread, "This is my body which is given for you: this do in remembrance of me." And again after pouring the wine "this cup is the new testament in my blood, which is shed for you" (Luke 22: 19+20).

What better way could He have us symbolically remember Him each week than by utilizing the in-born bond between the provider and the partaker of nourishment? As I think on these things, it emphasizes the importance of the sacrament and the way that Jesus was able to bring spiritual matters down to a temporal level so that we, as humans, can understand and connect with spiritual things.

The Last Supper by Simon Dewey

Looking back now, I am very glad that I did not redirect the conversation on food and recipes during the group. I am also thankful to those members of the group for creating an atmosphere in which I could be taught a valuable lesson.

How does the sacrament help you remember Jesus? What are some other everyday things that help you remember Him?

How differences between spouses can strengthen a marriage

I recently got a huge influx of marital therapy clients. This has been quite exciting because working with couples was one of the reasons I decided to get involved in the field of psychology. Between brushing up on some literature and theory for working with couples and seeing about 12-13 new couples for therapy, it is safe to say that relational dynamics have been at the forefront of my mind lately.

The particular type of approach I use in marital therapy emphasizes that various differences exist between partners (some of which may have actually been attractive initially) and that these differences are in some way creating conflict, arguments, discord, etc. The therapy is basically aimed at helping the couple see how these differences (and the attempts at trying to change the other person) are creating a problematic relational pattern, and then for the partners to learn some empathy for the differences in their spouse. In short, acceptance is the goal. Yes, change is also the goal, and will often follow acceptance once committed partners realize that what they have been doing isn't getting them what they want. Of course, this is a significantly simplified version of the therapy and there are some behaviors in a marriage for which acceptance would definitely not be appropriate (abuse, etc.). For more information about the therapy, you can visit this website.

It was with all of this buzzing around in my head that a few weeks ago, my wife had an interpersonal argument with someone close to her that created quite a bit of frustration for her. Being her husband, she shared her frustration with me. When she is upset by someone else, my basic tactic has been to briefly listen to her, try to calm her down, and persuade her to take a more peacemaking route - or to just let it go.

Let me explain my reasoning for encouraging in this way: In my family of origin, I tended to play a peacemaking role and I generally do not like a whole lot of conflict. I was often trying to smooth over little fights, or cheer someone up after a conflict. So, this is my main stance toward conflict. Also, I figure, if my wife can just let the argument go, then she can avoid a great deal of future stress, frustration, and also avoid more wrath from the other party. It also allows me to continue to avoid conflict. See, a total win-win situation. Right?

Well, as it turns out... not so much.

I was taking the trash out after having just encouraged her to let the problem go and just not worry about it. And as I was carrying that bag, the thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. When it comes to perceived conflict, she will approach the conflict, whereas I will avoid it. She sticks up for herself and I try to smooth things over.

It was like a light went on in my head. My wife didn't really need or want me to appease her - she needed an ally, someone to listen to her and support her. In fact, my stance toward her had been making the situation worse because she saw me as unsupportive. I can't count how many times she has accused me of being on the "other person's side." Looking back now, through her eyes, I can see how my stance toward her has been perceived as condescending (at best) or taking the opposite side (at worst).

That night we had a chat about exactly this. We examined how our learning histories with conflict had shaped this part of our behavior. I shared how I had tried to quell conflict in my home. She shared some of her experiences which taught her that approaching conflict and sticking up for herself was protective. I couldn't really argue with that. I also learned she believed I was overlooking her feelings, when I thought I had been responding to her emotions in a way that would be most helpful and prevent further collateral damage. It was a very sweet moment in our marriage that I am extremely grateful for.

Differences within a marriage can be very frustrating. Differences can pull partners apart. But, if we let them, differences can also be a significant opportunity for empathy, compassion, and love. We can practice true love as we love our spouse not only because we "have so much in common" as many couples generally exclaim when they first meet, but also because we choose to see the world through our spouse's eyes.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon which reads "I give unto man weakness that they may be humble;...if they humble themselves before me and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Ether 12:27).

Applying this scripture to relationships, it could read: "I give unto couples differences so that they can be humble - and if they humble themselves and have faith in me, then will I make these differences become a source of strength unto them."

Differences within a marriage offer us an opportunity to struggle in our love so that it deepens, so that our relationship becomes stronger.

I'm not suggesting that differences between spouses will never be annoying, difficult, or cause problems now and again (or even often), but having the ability to empathize with your spouse and to have compassion for the way he or she sees the world can be very helpful before an argument can turn into a full blown battle.

Again, I recognize that certain behaviors in a marriage cross the threshold between just being a difference and being harmful, abusive, and dangerous. In those situations (physical, sexual, and some emotional abuse, etc.) it is not useful or helpful to accept or empathize with this behavior.

One of my professors said he always seemed to be a better husband during the semester he taught the marital therapy class. I think, likewise, having my mind so focused on healing relationships has made me a better husband as well.


I would love to hear ways that any of you have been able to overlook, appreciate, or accept the differences in your partners. Please share! I'd love to learn from you!

Gratitude vs Guilt: What I learned about privilege from a birthday party

This weekend was my youngest child's first birthday. It is really hard to believe that it was a year ago that he was born. Time flies! We had a small party with family who came from out of town. It was great to see them and to see cousins play together so well.

Most one-year-olds generally don't know what is happening during their birthday, but when we sang to him, he was all smiles and his cute little personality shone through. He was also basically able to open his presents, with the help of my wife and his two older sibling, of course.

I enjoyed watching him open his presents. Gaining enjoyment out of watching presents being opened is something I struggle with on occasion. That might sound weird, and perhaps cruel, but hear me out. Usually, the parties I have attended for kids' birthdays (mine included) remind me in a powerful way that we live in a context that many on this earth can hardly understand or comprehend. I am reminded that there are kids starving all over the world - and in America, too - and here is a kid who is able to open a few hundred dollars worth of presents (or more). The disparity of it has really bothered me, but I don't often talk about it because I don't want to put people out during a party (talk about a downer!)

Before we continue, let me say clearly that this is not going to be a post about politics or redistribution of wealth. I certainly will not engage in a discussion about what people should do with their money, their possessions, or what is appropriate gift giving. All of that is not my place. But, (spoiler alert!) this is going to be a post about my feelings regarding inequality and privilege.

The fist time I really became aware of inequality was in college. I read an article by Dr. Richard Johnson from BYU about income inequality. Suddenly, I saw inequality everywhere. It was disconcerting to me. I wanted to do something about it. I secretly engaged in shaming the rich for not doing their part, never realizing that I probably wasn't doing mine either (funny how judgment works that way!). When I finally shared my thoughts with my mother, she had these words for me, "You need to be careful because you don't know how much people give. You never know how much people are giving in secret." Thank goodness for the wise words of my loving mother.

I again became extremely aware of the differences in living conditions between the middle class in America and the living conditions in other areas of the world when I lived for 2 years in Far East Russia as a missionary. The poverty was, at first, quite eye-opening. I remember eventually becoming fairly content with the living conditions there, but extremely uncomfortable upon returning home to the United States where I had so much. I remember my mother wanted to buy me a new suit and I adamantly refused for quite some time.

I became aware of another aspect of privilege in graduate school while participating in a diversity discussion group which was hosted by a member of the counseling psychology faculty. One of the topics that popped up from time to time concerned white privilege. To be honest, this topic bothered me after a while because I felt like I was being blamed for my whiteness - especially being a white male. Of course, this was not the object of these discussions and was likely my own limitations in understanding the issue. The discussions often challenged my notions about other people, cultures, ways of life, and socioeconomic differences - which was the real reason for the group. I think my continued struggle with white privilege is a necessary step on my way to increased knowledge and wisdom.

Since these experiences, I have continued to notice inequality and suffering. For example, as a psychologist at a VA, I have heard stories from combat veterans about the devastating effects of war - particularly on children. These stories can be hard to swallow. As a follower of Christ, I ascribe to the parable of the Good Samaritan and am often bothered by my lack of ability (or effort?) to quell the suffering of those around me. Certainly, given the above, one can see how guilt can become an overwhelming emotion.

Back to my son's birthday party. I certainly noticed the reasons for my usual feelings of guilt - that there are so many suffering while we are celebrating and it just doesn't seem fair. But, I didn't feel the pangs of guilt that I typically do. First, we didn't go overboard and the party was small, so the opportunity for my son to be overwhelmed by gifts was not a problem and likely dispelled any feelings of guilt that may have been there otherwise. Second, I had a significant change of perspective. I was able to see that my son is extremely blessed to have a group of caring people surrounding him who love him and want to express that love with tokens of affection.

True, I wish that every child in the world had the opportunities that my son has, but instead of feeling guilty about the suffering in the world, I was able to see and appreciate the blessings that I and my family have.

Please don't misunderstand. I don't mean this as a get-out-of-helping-others free card. I'm not trying to use this as a way of phrasing inequality and privilege to get off the hook for helping others, being a source for good in the world, and doing what I can to alleviate the suffering that is within my power. What I do mean is that its okay to feel grateful for blessings, love, and gifts bestowed by others.

In fact, gratitude is much more likely to produce positive action. It is a much more powerful motivator for good than guilt could ever be. Guilt provokes its recipient to short-term neurosis-based action that is likely insincere and/or covering a measure of anger or resentment. Gratitude can motivate one toward sharing abundant love with others. Bonnie D. Parkin said,

"(A) grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord."

I know that my understanding and actions regarding inequality and privilege is evolving and developing. I certainly do not know everything. I recognize that I will likely continue to experience difficulty in achieving a balance between living in a context of privilege while also following the divine injunction to love my neighbor.

But in this moment, I hope that we can all be grateful for the blessings that we have been given (whether great or small) and then let that gratitude move us to share our blessings with others.

I am definitely grateful for this little man!

If any of you have insights to share about living with (or without) privilege, or want to express what you are grateful for, please do so! I would love to learn from you.