Creative introspection: Am I a hypocrite?

This blog and some life events have inadvertently forced me to do some introspection. Someone I am working with mentioned how acts of service should be done secretly, without cameras or fanfare. He mentioned how bothered he was by people doing service and then videorecording it so others could see it because it felt disingenuous to him.

His comment was quite serendipitous because I had been trying to evaluate my own motivations for writing this blog, and truth be told I was wondering whether my true intentions were actually noble. For example:
Am I trying to create a false image of what my home is really like?
Am I trying to win favor with the online community for the sake of vanity and popularity?
Am I being a hypocrite because I may appear to be a supportive husband online, but sometimes struggle with living up to that ideal in the real world?

These and other thoughts have wandered through my mind since the inception of this blog. I remember having similar thoughts while I was in graduate school and had gotten very much into working out for about a year. I gained about 15-20 lbs of muscle and looked great. I told myself I was doing it to be healthy and to gain some weight (I've always been a super skinny guy). But, at the same time there were definitley some pride stroking reasons as well. I looked more appealing to women, people gave me more compliments about my appearance. I began to wonder if I was actually working out for me or for the way I appeared to others.

These same questions, I think, could apply to any of our actions. I'm not here to write a sermon or to tell you how you should live or think or anything. That's not my place. I simply am taking this space to discuss some of my motivations for doing this blog.
I would be a complete liar if I stated there was no self-serving aspect to this blog. There is a natural tendency for people to accentuate the positive and downplay the negative when others' judgments might be imposed. Obviously, I hope that people read the blog - why else would I write it? Yes, I would think it great if I had a huge number of followers, and that would most likely boost the self-esteem, at least in the short-term.

Now, the real question: am I a hypocrite? Am I creating a false image of myself as a supportive husband when in reality I'm not all that supportive, loving, or caring?
Hard question!!
But, it deserves an honest answer. Yes, I more than likely am a hypocrite. There have been numerous occassions during our short marriage when I have been a jerk, unsupportive, doubtful of my wife's abilities, and demeaning. On one recent occassion, my wife mentioned that she was grateful that I was writing this blog, but also wished that I would be more supportive in real life just as often. That cut pretty deep.

Does this mean that I'm engaging in character fraud? No. I am also a caring, loving, and supportive husband at times as well. My wife recently posted a link on her facebook page (and mine, too) that I found exceptional. It is entitled I Didn't Marry my Soulmate. At first I thought, 'Gee, thanks honey.' But, the article basically states that marriage is a choice which requires continually choosing and working to be happy with that person - problems and all. After reading the article, I was genuinely touched.

Knowing that on occassion I struggle to be the caring, supportive, loving husband that my wife deserves, I also realize that I need to work at being caring, supportive, and loving. Now, I could stop writing this blog because my motivations are not perfect. But, couldn't anyone stop doing anything for that reason? For example, I could choose not to wash dishes anymore because I don't like washing them and when I do wash them I secretly hope that my wife notices how clean the kitchen looks and praises me for it. Can you imagine if I told my wife I couldn't wash the dishes anymore until my motivations for washing the dishes were pure? She would likely say, "Get over it and do them anyway."

I think that a quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf sums it up best when he said,

If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Even though I may be a hypocrite, this blog is an exercise to increase my capacity for love, kindness, and support for my wife, while at the same time sharing with the world some of the amazing things my wife has done. Despite some of my human instinctual self-interested reasons for writing, I do believe that my wife is an incredible woman and that her awesomeness should be shared and praised, both online and in person. Not sharing with you or telling her that she is special because of my own personal shortcomings would not, in my opinion, be a more noble alternative.

So, honey, if you're reading, and I haven't told you already yet in person, I love you and think you're amazing!

Now If I could just get back into working out.....